Major, Life-Altering Surgery and Why I'm Having It

Over the last year or so I've been having GI problems, the last 3 months so severe to the point I've lost about 40 lbs since I saw some of you in CA in July.  I've been to almost every specialist (GI, Rheumatologist, OB/GYN, Allergist, etc.) you could think up and have had I'm damn near sure every procedure and test known to man performed (countless blood tests, colonoscopy, upper and lower GI series, barium x-rays, cat scans, ultrasounds, etc.) and they still haven't been able to diagnose me with anything other than a vague "malabsorption" issue and really low B-12.  My B-12 is so low I'm getting weekly shots indefinitely. 


So, the good news is I don't have Crohn's or cancer or celiacs (oh my!) but for some reason my GI tract is moving things through at too rapid a pace for me to absorb most nutrients.  Mine processes things in about 30 minutes when it should be taking upwards of 4 hours.  The bad news is that the only way we've been able to curb the rapid weight loss (and fainting and dizziness and...) is to strictly limit my diet.  So since the first week of September, I've been eating a diet consisting of banana, yogurt, applesauce, rice, chicken stock, sometimes I can manage steamed chicken, toast, and mashed potatoes.  Over the last few weeks, I've tried introducing actual vegetables other than potatoes and while the first tries were, let's just say disastrous, I have managed to work in a few such as carrots and squash.  I am slowly inching towards colorful meals again and I can't be more delighted.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was only able to consume roughly 1-2 cups of food a day.  I still feel painfully full after eating, no matter how little, but I am able to eat 3-4 small meals a day now so the rapid weight loss has been stopped.  Because of this lack of nutrition and fuel, I have not been able to work since late August.  I get winded walking around the block.  That has been the worst part - not being able to be as active and alive as I want to be.  I force myself to do things and then have to sleep, A LOT, after just to regain energy.  

During the abdominal CT early on in this ordeal, I was told they discovered a "large mass" in my abdomen.  After spending roughly 20 hours telling myself "It's not a tumah," the next day I had an abdominal utlrasound of my ovaries and uterus and it was determined that among about 20 others (those are only the ones visible), I have a fibroid measuring roughly 11cm.  Which is huge it turns out and has put my uterus into a constant state of being the size it would be if I were 5 months pregnant.  When my OB/GYN told me this she said "You are carrying it amazingly well.  I would never have guessed all this was in there." So I have that going for me...but I also have a mutant uterus that is doing nothing but growing and putting pressure on my small intestine and bladder.  It was recommended that I have a total abdominal hysterectomy, leaving my ovaries intact.  My immediate response was "hell no, I don't want to have surgery if I don't HAVE to."  But after weeks of thinking on it and doing tons of research (see: not working) I discovered I could be a candidate for a myomectomy, which is a surgery to remove the fibroids while keeping the uterus intact.  This would be just an intermediary surgery, giving me some years of relief while knowing I would have to have a hysterectomy in 5-10 years.  My uterus would grow more fibroids and would become huge again and at that point in my life, a hysterectomy would be my only option.  I should also mention that my mother (31) and both aunts (early 40s) had hysterectomies due to fibroids and say it's the best thing they did.

I have spoken with my OB/GYN (who is AWESOME) a number of times at length, going over options that didn't include major surgery, and she was completely willing to perform the open myomectomy if it was my wish to keep my uterus, given that I'm only 37 and may want children at some point.  I have known forever that I don't so that hasn't been an issue, but the thought of losing a part of my body really weighed heavily on me; even a part I have never had any intention of using. It's still a part that defines who we are as women...literally.  Weighing the emotional issues against having to have two extensive abdominal surgeries, rather than just one, I decided, after much talking with my amazingly supportive friends and family and much much crying, to have the hysterectomy now and save a lot of time and trouble (and money considering I won't have to take any more birth control pills.) 

While the mutant uterus is not directly tied to the GI problems I've been having, it has most definitely contributed to them.  It is my, and my doctors', hope that removing this...thing...will grant me some relief from the GI issues, and will most definitely grant me relief from the pain and discomfort I've lived with for the last few years from the fibroids.

I'm told that I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days, most likely being discharged sometime Sunday.  My incredible mother will be here for the surgery and roughly a week after, so I'll have my very own live-in nurse for the roughest part of recovery, which total can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks.  I warn you now, I will be on percoset and going stir-crazy - a combination that will most likely result in embarrassing, yet hilarious antics.

The two points I wanted to make with this ridiculously long post are these:

1. You cannot get through life without friends and family.  I've always thought being strong and independent meant doing things on my own, not having to ask for help, being self-sufficient.  That is a giant, steaming pile of crock.  Being strong means realizing when you need help and support and having the courage to ask those around you for it.  My hope for all of you is that you have the kind of support system I do, because I have never felt more loved than I have this past month.  I am truly blessed.

2. Having a hysterectomy is not a decision one should, or even could I imagine, enter into lightly.  While it is the second most common surgery, behind C-sections, for women in the US, it is a major, invasive surgery.  And it changes your life.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that even though I won't have all my lady parts, I am still going to be very much a woman in every sense of the word.  I still struggle with this and I'm sure I will post-op, but as it has been pointed out to me many times, no one should have to live with this kind of discomfort and pain.  Even if you can handle it like I can - don't.  Get help for chronic pain.  Do what is necessary to live a good, healthy, pain-free life.  It is not a sign of weakness to fix what ails you.

Wish me luck and I'll be sure to post a percoset-hazed post-op update.

I'd Rather Not Double Down Thanks

I'm reading this great essay on the hypocrisy of fast food outrage and this quote made me laugh almost as hard as Betty White on SNL last night.

"Never mind that KFC plans to offer the Double Down for only six weeks — Colonel Sanders, widely thought to be dead but perhaps just hanging out in the rugged terrain of Pakistan, is now the greatest threat to America’s long-term security."

Why I Will Forever Love Gilmore Girls

Because of dialogue like this delivered by two great actors: Kelly Bishop and Edward Herrman:

Emily Gilmore: I am going to Europe Richard; I am going to Europe and I'm going to have a marvelous time.  I'm going to get up at 10 and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch. Every. Single. Day.

Richard Gilmore: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch!

Emily Gilmore: Well then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno, because I am OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

Musings of an Insomniac

• Yes Marcus, I refer to people by either their blog name or nickname for the most part here on my blog.  That doesn't make me a geek...I mean really, there are SO MANY other things to point to as backup for that theory.  
• After one night of what I'm going to call normal sleep (it really wasn't, but this is neither the time nor the place to burst my bubble) I'm back to being wide awake at 3 am.  yay... 
• RiH and I use all caps WAY TOO MUCH.  This realization will not stop us.  NO SIR.
• The Olympics are coming and woo nelly I've already got the fever.  Or a cold. Probably a cold since I'm sneezing as well.  However, that does not dim my excitement that curling being shown on my tv is just around the corner.
• RiH and I were crushed, CRUSHED I SAY, to learn that CBoL was a one-time special.  Oh, it was special alright ABC.  So special we need, nay demand, more.  Get on that.  Thanks.
• Many thanks to the very kind words a number of you sent in response to my post about my father.  Your encouragement, sympathy, and support mean the world to me and get me through the dark days as well as making the good ones brighter. 
• I'll need to do a post about my New Year's Eve.  It was a fun and delightful evening full of hilarious quotes and happenings and a douchebag DJ. 

Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

Redhead in Heels and I decided to watch Conveyor Belt of Love together, communicating via Gchat since she is in PA and I am, well, here in DC.  What follows is a very long and ADDish conversation you shall find either hilarious or boring.  If it's boring to you, I recommend you don't watch CBoL ever and also?  I feel sad for your belly that it won't laugh as hard as we did at the awesomeness that was that hour of television.

Panda, this is mostly to teach you a lesson.  That lesson being you don't email us AFTER the awesome show has ended.  You join us in Gchat DURING.  But here, go ahead and read this as you watch it online, like I know you will.

10:01 PM

me: Okay, I have flipped over to live tv. I shall suffer commercials for you dammit.

RiH: AT A PERFECT TIME

me: The conveyor belt of love has started rolling!

RiH: Q U A L I T Y

me: This. Is. Already. Amazing.  I love you for watching this with me.

RiH: Ukeleles sp?  COUGAR BRACKET

me: “I prefer to dayteh in the cougah bracket.” I'm giggling. I can't stop giggling.

RiH: I would fall down on the conveyor belt. Shiny penny? What?

me: Hey Betsy from Missouri!  Keiko. This isn't called Conveyor Belt of BOOTY.

RiH: “I can break down the biggest player on Earth, that's my gift.”

me: I'm fairly certain Angelique was a man at some point.

RiH: Oh Jen, why are you doing this, you seem normal. Normal is so relative at this point.

me: Yes. But she needs to pull up her dress.

RiH: LIVE AT HOME

me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

RiH: I like shoes

me: Hey Jack Johnson.

RiH: 23!!!!!!!!

me: He looks 10 years older than he is.

RiH: AND still not attractive

me: Oh good. He picked the non-whore.

RiH: “GO TO MY BOX.” Nice producers, nice

me: Who doesn't want to say "So go to my box"?

RiH: OMG

me: Oh put Brian out of his misery.

RiH: Why so many tight blue shirts????

me: A poet!  “Imagine ecstasy.”

RiH: With an awful voice.

me: “Without hesitation.”

RiH: baths filled with milk!

me: I LOVE THIS SHOW

RiH: NICE BELT

me: “We got to the point of intimacy.”

RiH: I’M TERRIFIED

me: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

RiH: HE IS SO UGLY



10:09 PM

me: That can't be his real hair.

RiH: That can't be his real skin color

RiH: How are there only 30? I could watch this forevah!

me: “I'm a tremendous lover.” Best. Hour. Ever.

RiH: I think how much he loves his dog is COURAGEOUS.

me: “I'm interested! I'm interested!”

RiH: Oh I just slammed my head into big momma on the back of the couch laughing so hard oooooops

me: hahahahaha I will take this time to point out that Charlotte is now FACING the television.

RiH: Probably because you are laughing so loud she can't sleep anymore.

me: This show is seriously amazing.

RiH: It makes me feel so good about myself.

me: Hey sweater vest!

RiH: HUH This cannot be real.

me: “How much do you weigh?”

RiH: NO JEN NO

me: “That's gorgeous.” JEN WHY DO YOU LET US DOWN

RiH: NO NO NO  JERSEY HAIR

me: YOU PICKED A GUY IN A SPEEDO HOLDING A POMERANIAN. - you gave up the right to judge.

RiH: UM NO!

me: I wonder if Ukelele guy keeps playing music for everyone. Oh you get to switch them out!

RiH: Answer yes

me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

RiH: HEY REGINALD

me: I guess with a name like Reginald you have to carry nunchucks.

RiH: You might as well have been named Carlton. Jen had a Courtney Cox moment!!!!

me: THE HAIR

RiH: As in I thought one was the other. OH SHIRT

me: COUGAR NOISE. I love whoever is doing the music/sound effects. Massage therapists creep me out.

RiH: ME TOO. That's a palm reader douche

me: The girl in the purple has become my favorite. Sorry Jen. BELLY SHIRT

RiH: Oh short with a bad hat and bad rolled jans

jans???

jeans

me: Hey tall cutie pie.

RiH: I'm bi-sexual ladies

me: This man is far too normal. TOO GOOD ON PAPER

RiH: He does a weird head thing

me: Yeah, he's bi. “I'm a sucker for blondes but boobs don't do anything for me.”  And we have the title for the blog entry.

RiH: THAT BLONDE IS A MAN. Which is why I thought she had a chance. NOOOO MORE BELT


10:23 PM

me: The The Deep End does not look like something I want to ... oh wait, was that Billy Zane?

RiH: It was. Only reason to watch. Retarded law firm show.

me: This looks REALLY bad.

RiH: NO ONE WASHES THEIR HAIR AT A BIG FIRM

me: And not CBoL bad.

RiH: NO TIME. I can barely do it. And I work in HARRISBURG

me: I like Jen and Scott.

RiH: OHH

me: Aw hey “normal” guy!

RiH: At least get the dude a hair cut

me: I thought he said “I'm somewhat gay” not “I'm a sommelier.” I love Erich.

RiH: Beer gut + Blonde does not equal Chris Farley

me: Oh blonde is going to eat him up. DO IT

RiH: “HE LOOKS LIKE MY STEP DAD”

me: OH MY GOD GQ Money. You're an asshat.

RiH: LITTLE FEET

me: “I don't know either but he just broke the ice.”

RiH: TRAVIS

me: How did I know his name would be Travis? Balloon animal makers rank up with clowns. NO LIE

RiH: VIRGINS DO NOT MAKE PENIS BALLOONS.  BECAUSE IM MORMON

me: Do we think it is a coincidence that he gave the big boob girl the balloon animal?

RiH: BETSY NO

me: I wish Betsy had said "I want you to get in my box." Conveyor belt conflict!

RiH: Do they have a screen play class at your school? TAKE IT

me: lol I love Modern Family. It is hilarious.

RiH: It is. OMG PA, pass table games JEEEZIS. Sorry, local commercials

me: Oh that's right. We have different local news.

RiH: Gov is threatening to lay off thousands without table games and it's so stupid, because we will have them eventually, fucking shit legislature.

me: I got to hear about the Redskins and then you know, THE WAR, and then they closed with a promise to expose "The Darker Side of Cheerleading."

RiH: Oh I want to know about that. Let me guess, anorexia, bulemia (?)
CRAZY ASS MOMS

me: I think it was more on the violence side. That could just be me hoping for that though.

RiH: You and me both. YES


10:33 PM

me: Downward dog!

RiH: Horrid shoes. Horrid jeans.

me: Oh. Josh. You're cute. C'mon. TREASURE HUNTER! But yes, the jeans are horrible.

RiH: BAD JEANS AND SHOES

me: He looks like a slightly smarter Andrew Shue.

RiH: But overall, most attractive yes.

me: BODY ODOR

RiH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

RiH: BOY FIGHT

me: Nice try buddy. MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

RiH: MAJIK

me: JETHRO! MY GOD THIS SHOW IS LIKE CRACK!

RiH: I suppose if you have a voice like that you have to cut your hand off

me: Hey cuntreee! He's making a napkin rose.

RiH: Hey Dane Cook

me: THAT IS STANDARD

RiH: BECAUSE THEY NEVER SING OR SONGRIGHT. WRITE...ALWAYS BOTH

me: That's because they are artistes.

RiH: because musicians always have their "stuff" together

me: “Lance. Go over to my area.”

RiH: He is not a ginger, that is what is interesting

me: Nor does he have forehead curls.

RiH: WHOA!

me: I love bitchy Asian girl.

RiH: I do too actually. She has really grown on me. Accordian!!!

me: Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

RiH: spelling, not so much my fote...forte

me: HAHAHAHAHA

RiH: OH NO

me: Barry. STOP IT.

RiH: BARRY

me: When the cheesy guys are laughing at you, it is NOT GOOD.

RiH: HE HAS A POMERANIAN.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: Only way to distract from the speedo.

RiH: THANK JEEZIS

me: Hey. Don't be dissing Zach Morris.

RiH: Why are they speeding through people? That's not okay.

me: (Not that I ever watched the show).  Because they still have to get to the dates.

RiH: I would prefer this for an hour

me: As would I.

(Here is where we devolve into a quick talk on The Bachelor, which I fear she has sucked me in to watching.)

RiH: Oh did you see fake engagement ring girl btw?

me: YES  The stew.

RiH: HEEEEE!

me: I can't wait to see which trainwrecks he picks.

RiH: I can buy one at Claire's too…doesn't make me hotter

me: I wonder if the normal girls (You know, all three of them) wish he didn't pick them.

RiH: I would like to think so, but I can't be sure. TV is an evil mistress.

me: That whore.

RiH: ONE I WANT TO BE ON FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FUCKING WITH PEOPLE

me: HEEE

RiH: call me!

(Aannnnnnnnd we’re back!)

me: I like that Josh is posing.  OMG THE SHOES

RiH: oh

oh

oh

me: They are like hemmoroids on his feet.

RiH: Keiko, come hang out. WHOA

me: Pretty blinking boy with the dog is maybe growing on me as well.

RiH: ARE YOU NOT IN LOVE WITH THE PLEATHER

me: STOP IT! The Indian. THE HEADDRESS

me: “I'm that girl. Not interested.”

RiH: because she is a man

me: Oh vest guy. I like you.

RiH: So many skinny guys…ugh. So hot when you don't remember my name!!!

me: How could she pick that over vest guy?


10:45 PM

me: Last guy!!!!!

RiH: nice teal guitar

me: That isn't a song, it is chords. And not well played.

RiH: and offfffffffff key gitahhhhh

me: Oh the blonde is desperate. She's the one with a shot glass in one hand and a lighter in the other at 4 am.

RiH: GUN SHOW AT 2 o'clock

me: EVERYONE IS INTO THE WATCHMEN. Jen you're a fucking poser.

RiH: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

me: And I am going to spell it poseur.

RiH: FAT GUY DUMPS YOU

me: “Holy crap, that's the first time that worked.”

RiH: WALLET CHAIN  EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

me: Dude. The Watchmen is the most well known comic ever. And just got made into a major movie. It's one of those things I hate telling people I like because it is like if you've been a Boston fan FOREVER and then can't tell people you like them right after they won the World Series.

“Wicked funny.”

RiH: Yeah so huh Clueless

O M G

me: “marry, married, marriage” “I want you to worship me.”

RiH: NOOOOOOO Only 11 minutes left

me: See. You could use more of the date time.

RiH: trade this out with bachelor

me: I like that they only give us an hour. Keeps us from getting overloaded and leaves us wanting more. AND THERE HAD BEST BE MORE ABC

RiH: Can I block some ass that keeps sending me text forwards?

me: Yes.


DATE ONE:

RiH: SHARE

me: “um  Uh  ummmmm ughhhhh”

RiH: “UHHHHHHH”

JOSH

me: hahahaha-Jen continues to disappoint. YOU EAT THE CHEESE
RiH: TAKE SOME LACTAID YOU STUPID BITCH

me: “Anime is a little foreign to me.”

RiH: BECAUSE IT IS

me: Dude. That's because it IS

RiH: lol

me: “I'm a Southern lady. I gotta bang out a couple.”


DATE TWO:

RiH: I DO NOT GET ON BIKES WITH STRANGE MEN

me: I would not wear that to Sunday School.

RiH: yes everyone wears strapless dresses to Sunday School. NICE TANK TOP

me: I can't imagine why a guy wearing tight jeans, tight tank top and cowboy boots is still single.

RiH: But it's Nashville!!!!

me: “Hey your 15 year old son wants to meet you.” “That was the beginning of the end.” BWAHAHAHAH

RiH: because he has a wallet chain!!!!!


DATE THREE:

me: I hope these crazy kids work out.

RiH: smaahhhhht

me: That would be wickehd coool. “Smells like mah grandfathah's cellah.”

RiH: they are getting married. Wtf

me: Most likely. Let us now pray they're not fertile.

RiH: Don't sell yourself short Erich! whoa lap!

me: They're rather adorable in their awkwardness.

RiH: They are but this is ridiculous



DATE FOUR:

me: They both brought their purse dogs. I own a tanning salon. I'm SHOCKED.

RiH: HE LIVES WITH HIS MOM

me: DOG FIGHT

RiH: hahahahahahahaha

me: Tony and Rambo. OMG. They totally had sex that night and that makes me feel dirty.

RiH: NO DON'T END. hey aspen dude

me: That was the best hour of my life.


11:00 PM

RiH: How many more weeks of this do we get?

me: (Amended to read: spent with the intellectual dregs of society) I don't know but I hope it never ends.

RiH: I will put a second mortgage on my house to buy the franchise if need be.

Water and Animals

So today it has been a year.  January 3, 2009 I got the call telling me my father had passed away. While it wasn't unexpected (I'd seen him about a week before and he was maybe 150 lbs soaking wet, which at 6'4" is not good), I'd just spoken to him the day before and he sounded great and happy and full of life and hope. I hadn't seen him for a long time before that visit home right before Christmas and from what I've been told, he seemed to have been fighting, knowing he'd see me soon.  The time we spent together that day sticks with me.  Not just because it was the last time I saw him, but because he was so happy despite being so obviously ill.  He kept holding my hand, telling me how good it was to see me and this time it felt like he really meant it and that I could believe he really loved me and was sorry.

My dad and I had a rocky relationship.  Maybe I'll go into it in some post in the future, but for now just know most of my life was spent wanting to feel loved by my father and mostly being let down.  I have so many cards from him through the years telling me how important I was to him, so many phone conversations I remember him saying how good it was to hear my voice, how very much he loved me.  I just couldn't move past all the times he'd let me down.  It wasn't necessarily completely his fault, he had a rough life and he tried.  I know now he really tried, especially at the end.  He may not have been the best father, but he was a truly incredible person.  Always laughing, enjoying life to the fullest.  

He is why music is such a huge part of my life, why I can quote both Young Frankenstein and the Great Escape and whistle the Green Berets song.  He is why I know how to change a tire on any car, throw a punch, shoot a gun, take pictures, why I prefer fruit candy to chocolate, why I will always love the feel and smell of the ocean in the early morning, why I'll never know the peace I felt all those hours spent at and on the ocean, why I have such compassion for animals and care about what's happening to the environment.

Any time someone tells me I'm beautiful I smile.  Not because of the very nice compliment I was just given, but because it never fails to remind me of one morning when I was in kindergarten.  My father drove me to school in one of his Chevy Corvairs (a car I will forever love).  While we were stopped at a light, he paused in his singing of Harry Chapin's W.O.L.D., turned to me and said "You look beautiful today."  I turned back and said "So do you daddy" to which he laughed, his wonderful big and true laugh, a sound I hope I'll never forget, and explained to me that girls are beautiful and boys are handsome. 

These are the things I will remember about him today.  These are the things and moments I cherish, that make me smile while I cry knowing he's finally at peace.  I miss you pops.

Dexter You Beast

Just finished catching up on this latest season of Dexter and all I will say is wow. I'm delighted with how they ended things all around and can't wait to see what they come up with next season. First Jimmy Smits, then John Lythgow - I wonder who the next serial killer Dexter looks to for guidance will be....