Dexter You Beast

Just finished catching up on this latest season of Dexter and all I will say is wow. I'm delighted with how they ended things all around and can't wait to see what they come up with next season. First Jimmy Smits, then John Lythgow - I wonder who the next serial killer Dexter looks to for guidance will be....

For PlanB From Jake

I've swung back around to being in a great mood/state of mind. It helps that I have finals this week, survived The 24-Hour Attack of the Cold, had people remind me that I'm a good person and friend (hooray validation!), am mere minutes away from what I can only imagine is a heart-wrenching fulfilling season finale of Dexter, and am drinking a glass of wine listening to one of my very favorite mixtapes ever.

It was made for me by the Supposed-to-be-Best Man, circa 1997 and is a perfect example of the music Jake and I shared a love for, most from when we were kids. Our relationship was fun and passionate and deep and rocky but constant and full of the strongest love I've ever been a part of. Neither of us ever got over the guilt of betraying the Supposed-to-be-Groom - we were doomed from the start, but it is a year I would not give back for anything.

Side A:

1. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stills, & Nash (My love for CSN [&Y] is long documented and never wavering. I learned how to harmonize by listening to their songs and warbling along. They're one of maybe three musical acts that have the ability to transport me back to each stage in my life. There has never been a time when I didn't listen to them, and I can't imagine a time when there will be. Stephen Stills wrote this as he was on the verge of breakup with Judy Collins. It's a beautiful song detailing love and its failings. "I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are and you make it hard...change my life, make it right, be my lady.")

2. But Anyway - Blues Traveler (Jake and I saw these guys a couple of times at The Greek Theater, which happens to be my most favorite place to see a concert ever. Great live act. "Some day an answer will find us, quite a long shot, but anyway. I think the past, the past is behind us." Unfortunately, we could never get over our past.)

3. Pride & Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughan (So. Effing. Good. I owe my knowledge and love of SRV to Jake. SRV & Double Trouble Live at Carnegie Hall - get it if you don't have it. "Yeah I love my lady, she's long and lean. You mess with her you'll see a man get mean.")

4. Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin (What can I say about dear, beautiful Janis that hasn't already been said a thousand times? "You're out on the streets honey looking pretty good, but deep down, deep down inside I guess you know it ain't never been right." So true.)

5. Me & My Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin (Gravelly, soulful, heart out for all to hear. Kris Kristofferwho? Her voice makes me forgive it for spawning so many bad karaoke renditions. "Yeah, and feeling good was easy Lord, when he sang the blues. You know feeling good was good enough for me, mhm, good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.")

6. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (I also owe my appreciation and love for Bob Dylan to Jake. He exposed me to the rare tracks, the lesser known songs that I listen to over and over again. "But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe...go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse. When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.")

7. Love Minus Zero/No Limit - Bob Dylan (One of the prettiest songs about unconditional love ever written. All love is a risk. "My love she's like some raven at my window with a broken wing.")

8. In My Life - The Beatles ("And these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as something new." Perfect song for a new love who is insecure about the past ones.)

9. I'm Waiting for the Day - The Beach Boys (Ah, Pet Sounds. A near perfect album. This, Sloop John B, Wouldn't It Be Nice, God Only Knows...sigh. "I kissed your lips and when your face looked sad it made me think about him and that you still loved him so...You didn't think that I could sit around and let him take you.")

10. I'll Be There - Clarence Brown (Phenomenal and gritty and bluesy and fun. Worth scrolling down and hearing the clip. With songs like this, how could I say no? "Ain't no chain strong enough to hold me, ain't no breeze big enough to slow me, I'll be there if you ever want me by your side.")

Side B:

1. Sugaree - Jerry Garcia (Jake, in addition to many other things, was very much a Dead Head and succeeded in turning me into one to the point where I wouldn't travel around seeing them, but I listen to them and hear beauty and joy and pure love of music and am happy. "One last voice is calling you and I guess it's time you go. Just one thing I ask of you, just one thing for me. Please forget you knew my name, my darling sugaree.")

2. I Second That Emotion - Jerry Garcia (I love me the Smokey Robinson and usually don't like covers, but c'mon. Jerry and Bob? Gotta give it to 'em, they make it their own. "Maybe you think that love was made for fools, so it makes you wise to break the rules.")

3. How Sweet It Is - Jerry Garcia (The video quality makes it look like it's from about 1957...who doesn't want a love like this one? "I open my eyes at night, wondering where would I be without you in my life. Everything was such a bore. All the things I've done seems I've done 'em before. But you brightened up all of my days, with your love so sweet in so many ways.")

4. Eyes of the World - Grateful Dead (Definitely one of the goofier, less favorite of mine Grateful Dead songs. I most likely fastfowarded to the end 9 out of 10 times I listened to this tape, but sweet and hey, Bruce Hornsby! "Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings, but the heart has it's seasons, it's evenings and songs of it's own.")

Deadwood

Yet another unique, high quality show cut short before its time. Excellent writing (in iambic pentameter with even more cocksuckers thrown in than this place), superb acting, and episodic descriptions such as: "A dandy arrives by stage coach and immediately begins exploring how to bring culture to the camp." A dandy you say? In that case, yes, I will pour myself a glass of wine and watch you again.

Who Sent The Memo?

To all those I've somehow wronged over the years who are collectively all of a sudden bringing it all back up: I'm sorry. I realize I was not the best person at all times. I could probably waste time thinking about your faults but I won't. It's the past. We've hopefully learned from our mistakes and made changes. I know I have. Can we agree on a Christmas Miracle, move on and stop beating me up-I've done it enough on my own. Thanks.

For Half-Pint: Songs Sean Could Never Sing

My freshman year of college (1990-91) I met a boy who re-taught me how to snow ski. My friend Cheri invited me on a ski trip and even though I hadn't been skiing in years, I said yes because it sounded fun and why not, I was going to be home for Winter Break anyway. So we drove up to Big Bear and on the trip up, I ended up chatting with this guy Frank (trust, it took some work to pull that name out of the ole memory bank) who told me I looked like Half-Pint on Little House on the Prairie. Smooth. I wish I could say that it was the first time I'd heard this, but no. In "retaliation" I pulled out the only '70s celebrity I could think of who he resembled and came up with Shaun Cassidy...hence the title of the tape (yes, he misspelled Shaun). We ended up dating for about a month or two after the ski trip - complicated by me being in Santa Barbara and him in Pomona. He was a nice enough guy I suppose, but there was just something off about him that I could never put my finger on...ultimately I think he was just way too into me too fast, which always freaks me out. Or maybe it was his decision to put Kenny G on a mix tape.

Side 1:

1. Metallica - Nothing Else Matters (I think anyone my age will always love the Black Album. Despite opening up "metal" to the masses, it's a really quality album. "Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters.")

2. Oingo Boingo - We Close Our Eyes (It always makes me sad when people say they don't know who Oingo Boingo is - they were such a huge part of my formative years, I just assume everyone knows them [same with Social Distortion]. Here's another clip from a concert I attended. Goodness I miss seeing them live. Their shows were some of the first I went to on my own and set the standard for what I consider to be a good live performance. It's a high bar. "And if you think I'm worth it. And if you think it's not too late, we might start falling, if we don't try too hard, we might start falling in love.")

3. Queensryche - Silent Lucidity (A beautiful ballad by a band known for quite the opposite, despite the lead singer's silly pronunciation. "The walls you built within come tumbling down and a new world will begin.")

4. Bad Company - If You Needed Somebody (Up to this point, we only knew Bad Company from their amazing 10 From 6 album [side note: the only 8 track I have ever had in my possession is Bad Company-Run With the Pack. Why I kept it is a mystery, I never had an 8 track player of my own.]. This song, perfect 1991 cheese, is one I always belt out when I hear it. I chose this clip to illustrate how God awful the fashion was at the time. I'm not sure how any of us got dates. "If I could hold you tonight, it would last me forever. But the time's never right, when will we be together?")

5. Robert Plant - Ship of Fools (This song always reminds me of the morning radio show on KROQ pre-Kevin & Bean. If I remember correctly, it was Richard Blade, the Poorman [I once saw the Poorman during an early morning surf adventure - his wetsuit had a big hole on his right buttcheek] and a couple other people and it was ridiculously fun. "I built this ship it is my making, and furthermore my self control I can't rely on anymore. I know why.")

6. The Church - Under the Milky Way (Love this song. This is one of the cassettes I purchased in South Korea and still have. "Wish I knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find.")

7. Eric Johnson - 40 Mile Town (I would never, ever be able to recall this song if it weren't for this tape. Hearing it again, I remember it clearly and can sing it all, but again, I would never have remembered it on my own. "Seems to me we really need to feel love more. Oh an ordinary smile opens up the door. Sometimes all I want to do is dream away, and wake up in some forty mile town.")

8. Extreme - Hole Hearted (Oh sweet Jesus, that's right. Extreme had two hit songs. "If I'm not blind why can't I see, that a circle can't fit where a square should be?")

9. Dire Straits - So Far Away ("I'm tired of being in love and being all alone when you're so far away from me." Long distance was tough, especially since I didn't have a car at the time. Poor Frank.)

Side 2:

1. The Eagles - The Long Run (I have about a three song limit for The Eagles, but man I love me those three songs and I'd go see them live in a second. "Oh I did some damage, I know it's true. Didn't know I was so lonely 'til I found you.")

2. Kenny G - Going Home (Really? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was put on merely for the title.)

3. Chris Isaak - Wicked Game (Probably my least favorite Chris Isaak song, but since I love them all, it's still a good one. "I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.")

4. U2 - 40 (I'm guessing he put this on because of 1. My love for U2 and 2. I was at a Christian college. For those few who don't know, this is based on the 40th Psalm. I love this song - it always gives me chills, remembering the passion with which Bono sang it live and the passion the crowd gave back with their singing. "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit. Out of the miry clay.")

5. Foreigner - Waiting for a Girl Like You (This band, for me, is right up there with REO Speedwagon. I unabashedly love them and sing along whenever a song of theirs is on. "Maybe I'm wrong. Will you tell me if I'm coming on too strong." Yes. Yes you were Frank.)

6. Led Zeppelin - Fool in the Rain ("Now I will stand in the rain on the corner. Watch the people go shuffling downtown. Another 10 minutes no longer and then I'm turnin around round.")

7. Extreme - More Than Words (Great harmonies, stirring, quiet, cheesy and delicious. "Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you." Amen.)

8. The Cars - Drive (So good it hurts. "Who's gonna tell you things, aren't so great?")

Creepy?

I just realized that two of my cousins (brothers) are both dating women with the same name as their youngest sister. One maybe, but both? Maybe it's because I have a fairly unique name (really, how many PlanBs do you know?) or maybe it's just plain creepy. I mean, c'mon, think about sex. Could you really say intimate romantic things to the same name as a sibling? Am I alone in being weirded out by this?

90210 Observations

I didn't watch 90210 when I was in high school and really only watched sporadically after that, yet somehow I know almost all the storylines and get sucked into watching it whenever an old ep is on...like now. In my defense, they're ridiculously entertaining and it was the High School graduation ep. Things I've noticed:

1. Everyone had really dark eyebrows.

2. I owned most of the clothes they wore. And am embarrassed.

3. Scrunchies must never, ever exist again.

4. In all the mocking of mom jeans it seems to be lost that at one time they were quite fashionable. Especially when worn with a bodysuit and a matching scrunchie.

5. Gabrielle Carteris was like a decade older than the people who were a decade too old to be playing high schoolers. She actually looked older than some of the teachers.

6. I really miss living at the beach.

The OC is on now, which means I will spend another hour watching a show about where I grew up. Probably not wise when I'm homesick, sick, and it's freezing and crappy outside.

Cursed

This is a tape I made while attending Fullerton College in 1993. There are times when you just have to laugh at your younger self. I'm sure I put in way too much time thinking about the lyrics to make the songs mean something in some way. In reality, it's a tape with a bunch of good songs about heartache, unrequited love, and people done wrong.

Side A: Cursed Female

1. Cursed Female - Porno For Pyros ("Cursed to be born, beautiful, young and female. There's none that suffers more." Oh the humanity.)

2. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses - U2 (This is one of my favorite U2 songs that I always need to be reminded of..."Well you lied to me because I asked you to. Baby, can we still be friends? Hey hey, sha la la...the doors you open, I just can't close.")

3. Why Can't I Fall In Love - Ivan Neville (From Pump Up The Volume. Great song from a great movie. Not sure why Ivan Neville never made it big - his voice is outstanding, bluesy, full of emotion. "It's time to get real and change where I'm at, but the same old questions keep following me back.")

4. Eclipse - Pink Floyd (To be fair, this was around the time the big hubbub about playing Dark Side of the Moon with Wizard of Oz was reaching the pinnacle of newness. Yes, we did it. Yes, it was freaky. Yes I was the only one in the room not high as a kite. "All that you love and all that you hate...and everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.")

5. Jump in the River - Sinead O'Connor (This album continues to be one I listen to and identify with - full of stirring, beautiful melodies and haunted lyrics, most notably here. "The phone calls always left me unsure. They never said things on their own accord...there's been days like this before you know and I liked it all.")

6. Again - Janet Jackson (Say what you will about the early 1990's, but there was some damn good female singers cranking out good music, even if it was melodramatic at times. "A wounded heart you gave, my soul you took away. Good intentions you had many, I know you did.")

7. Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel (A lesson in blindly following and the dangers it holds. "But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.")

8. Time - Blind Melon (A performance about a month before Shannon's death by o/d. Yet another talent cut short by drugs. Bleh. "And all the worries you build up inside your soul, the ones that make your world stand still, mean you can feel that it's time to go.")

9. Sunless Saturday - Fishbone (This is one of those bands where if you mention them to me with no prompting, my respect for you will raise a couple notches. "Perhaps the charcoal grey and brown around me is just the mirror image of a tainted soul.")

10. Tryin to Throw Your Arms Around the World - U2 ("How far you gonna go, before you lose your way back home.")

Side B: Cursed Male

1. Cursed Male - Porno For Pyros (No video for this one, most likely due to no reason t have scantily clad women dancing about. "All the guys that really have all the money are too old to have a good time with it." Yes. Such a curse.)

2. So What'cha Want - Beastie Boys ("I'm as cool as cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce." Rhyming doesn't get much better than that.)

3. Maggie Mae - Rod Stewart ("You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without.")

4. I Just Died in Your Arms - Cutting Crew (No self-respecting female my age doesn't love this song. It'd be akin to hating Peter Cetera. You just don't do it. "Is there any just cause for feeling like this? On the surface I'm a name on a list.")

5. Hey, Hey, What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin ("I need to tell her she's the only one I really love." The woman in the song does not sound deserving of this. At all.)

6. She Talks to Angels - Black Crowes (Amazing song. I can't say enough about it. "She gives a smile when the pain comes. Pain gonna make everything alright.")

7. Dyslexic Heart - Paul Westerberg (This song makes me smile. Every time. "Slip me a napkin and now that you start, is this your name or a doctor's eye chart?...Do I date you, do I hate you? I got a dyslexic heart.")

8. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica ("I never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say, and nothing else matters.")

9. Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello ("When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote, I'm the man with a mission in two or three editions." I once dated a guy just because he looked like Elvis Costello. It didn't last long, he couldn't sing.)

10. Fool in the Rain - Led Zeppelin (Pearl Jam backing up Robert Plant. Sigh. "And you thought it was only in movies, as you wish all your dreams would come true. It ain't the first time believe me baby, I'm standing here feeling blue.")

"Food Inc." Or, Why I'll Never Eat Again

I wear leather. I take little issue with others eating meat in front of me and have no qualms preparing it for people. I was never, nor am I currently, a moral vegetarian-it came about mostly because eating meat on a bone really just grosses me out. I've read The Omnivore's Dilemma, am currently reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I eat a pretty healthy diet which is as organic as it wisely and economically can be, was pescetarian for most of my 20's and have about a 75% (often higher) vegetarian diet currently, don't eat red meat unless my body screams for it which is about 4 times a year or tasting is required by what I'm producing for class or work. And now? Now I'm watching Food Inc. again, because obviously some part of me is telling me it isn't enough. The first time I watched it, I cried, shuddered, dry heaved. I'm certain I once again will have to shut my eyes in some scenes.

I'm disturbed by the term "growing chickens."

I'm horrified by the drugs pumped into the animals we eat.

I'm ashamed by the part of me that will most likely rationalize away what I know so that I can continue to eat poultry and fish.

All I can do at this point is continue making healthy, responsible choices and keep gathering as much knowledge as I can. Small changes really can make a difference when they're made by a number of people. The longer I'm in school, the more I lean towards doing something that involves promoting sustainability, organic foods, grass-fed beef, etc. I don't know anyone who has known me well/for a long time would be surprised by this.

Hindsight Really Is 20/20

My friend Jim just called for one of our daily check ins (he's the only person I talk to nearly every day) and after the "how are you?" "I'm well, how are you?"s, completely out of the blue he asked "Hey, did you ever get your dishes back from Mr.P?" I answered that no, I have not heard anything from him since we broke up, despite trying twice to set up a time for the exchange. Granted, my second message may have been a bit snarky, along the lines of "Guess I'll get my dishes back when you learn courtesy" or something to that effect, but still, it's not that difficult to reply to a text people. Even if it's something like "I hate you right now. I'll get your dishes to you later." Anyhoodle, Jim rather angrily suggested we go over and pound on Mr.P's door until I get my stuff. It's been almost an hour and I'm still giggling over his outrage. It's sweet that he's so upset that someone is being a dick to me. I love him for that even if this behavior from Mr.P is completely expected on my part.

I suppose I could be the bigger person and let Mr.P know I have no hard feelings (other than a smidge of anger over a situation I'll describe later by most likely just c&p'ing a conversation I had with KB about it earlier*), that I realized almost immediately we are both better off not dating, since really all we did was have sex or go to movies. I can't recall too many instances of us having actual conversations about things that matter. Any time I'd try, he would joke things off or give ridiculous "solutions" to whatever it was I just wanted to chat or vent about. He's a fun guy, can be very sweet, but he can also be incredibly selfish and clueless. I'm not saying I was perfect, I will never say I've done nothing wrong, but I really put up with stuff I should not have because it was nice to be with someone.

To my above point that I am not perfect, I have a very dear friend whom I've known over 20 years who is going through an incredibly hard time right now. It's really been weighing heavily on me, as I'm one of the few people he can talk with about what he's feeling and I just feel absolutely worthless in helping him. I just needed someone to listen to me. Instead, all Mr.P could do was ask questions about why my friend wasn't doing more and make observations about how easy it is to fix everything that is going wrong, etc. I've not been as angry at someone in a very very long time as I was with him at that moment. I was one minute from getting out of the car, even though we were stuck in traffic in the middle of Thomas Circle.

*me: So I am not a very good person at times.

Katie: lol, did you text a nasty-gram to Mr. P?

me: Did I tell you that two days before we broke up Mr. P was pretty dickish and insensitive when I was trying to talk about my friend being suicidal-ish?

12:00 PM Like to the point I almost got out of his car while we were stuck in traffic.

Katie: You did not tell me that, no.

But that's horrible.

12:01 PM me: Well, one of the major issues I have with him, always have and most likely always will, is that any time there is something discussed that needs a solution, he comes up with ridiculous ideas. Like I was talking abut how my friend hasn't been able to find a job and Mr.P was saying all kinds of dumb things instead of just being "Wow, I'm really sorry that a close friend you've known for over 20 years is having a really hard time."

12:02 PM Anyhoodle.

Mr.P's last two Facebook statuses have been:

Mr.P: Every single person wants tomorrow to be better than today. If we just help each other get there, just a little tiny bit, the world would be closer to perfect each and every day.November 30 at 11:05pm

Which I just ROLLED MY EYES AT

12:03 PM Katie: As well you should have....

me: And then this one, which made me actually flip off my computer screen.

Mr.P: Life is a dream, on a river, and try as we might we never know where it will take us and when the journey will end, but until that day we should all strive to make the most of it, keep our friends and family out of the rapids, and lend a hand and a paddle whenever we can. (My dedication to my friend S, wherever you are).Fri at 12:55am

12:04 PM I mean, it's sad that someone he was friends with died.

But FUCK YOU.

Katie: So he can be compassionate, but only when it's HIS friend??

me: AGREED

Katie: Wow...

12:05 PM me: It's taking everything in me to not write him an email saying "I'm unfriending you. Not because I hate you or am angry at you or wish you ill. I'm unfriending you because the amazingly high levels of hypocrisy you've shown the last week are making me ill."

So, I unfriended him with no contact. I just can't deal with him preaching good to all and loving support when he couldn't muster a minute of it to me a week before. That said, in all honesty, I haven't thought about him much, or missed him at all since the break up, much like the first time we broke up about 6 months ago. That's what makes me the saddest I think. That after being intimate with someone for a year, off and on, there is little to no change in my day to day life now that he's out of it. Sigh.

I'm sure in a month or so, after I've gotten through my dad's birthday (the 28th - the first since he died) and the first anniversary of his death (January 3rd) I'll sit down and write Mr.P an email telling him what I think, where I'm at, maybe including a link for postage so he can just mail me my stuff even though I'm sure he's been within blocks of my house at least a couple times in the last week or so...but for now, I'll continue giggling about the ridiculousness of the situation and be thankful that neither of us were invested enough to be too hurt by the breakup and that we're both hopefully on to things and people better suited for each of us. Or maybe by January I'll just go buy myself new baking dishes.