Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

Redhead in Heels and I decided to watch Conveyor Belt of Love together, communicating via Gchat since she is in PA and I am, well, here in DC.  What follows is a very long and ADDish conversation you shall find either hilarious or boring.  If it's boring to you, I recommend you don't watch CBoL ever and also?  I feel sad for your belly that it won't laugh as hard as we did at the awesomeness that was that hour of television.

Panda, this is mostly to teach you a lesson.  That lesson being you don't email us AFTER the awesome show has ended.  You join us in Gchat DURING.  But here, go ahead and read this as you watch it online, like I know you will.

10:01 PM

me: Okay, I have flipped over to live tv. I shall suffer commercials for you dammit.

RiH: AT A PERFECT TIME

me: The conveyor belt of love has started rolling!

RiH: Q U A L I T Y

me: This. Is. Already. Amazing.  I love you for watching this with me.

RiH: Ukeleles sp?  COUGAR BRACKET

me: “I prefer to dayteh in the cougah bracket.” I'm giggling. I can't stop giggling.

RiH: I would fall down on the conveyor belt. Shiny penny? What?

me: Hey Betsy from Missouri!  Keiko. This isn't called Conveyor Belt of BOOTY.

RiH: “I can break down the biggest player on Earth, that's my gift.”

me: I'm fairly certain Angelique was a man at some point.

RiH: Oh Jen, why are you doing this, you seem normal. Normal is so relative at this point.

me: Yes. But she needs to pull up her dress.

RiH: LIVE AT HOME

me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

RiH: I like shoes

me: Hey Jack Johnson.

RiH: 23!!!!!!!!

me: He looks 10 years older than he is.

RiH: AND still not attractive

me: Oh good. He picked the non-whore.

RiH: “GO TO MY BOX.” Nice producers, nice

me: Who doesn't want to say "So go to my box"?

RiH: OMG

me: Oh put Brian out of his misery.

RiH: Why so many tight blue shirts????

me: A poet!  “Imagine ecstasy.”

RiH: With an awful voice.

me: “Without hesitation.”

RiH: baths filled with milk!

me: I LOVE THIS SHOW

RiH: NICE BELT

me: “We got to the point of intimacy.”

RiH: I’M TERRIFIED

me: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

RiH: HE IS SO UGLY



10:09 PM

me: That can't be his real hair.

RiH: That can't be his real skin color

RiH: How are there only 30? I could watch this forevah!

me: “I'm a tremendous lover.” Best. Hour. Ever.

RiH: I think how much he loves his dog is COURAGEOUS.

me: “I'm interested! I'm interested!”

RiH: Oh I just slammed my head into big momma on the back of the couch laughing so hard oooooops

me: hahahahaha I will take this time to point out that Charlotte is now FACING the television.

RiH: Probably because you are laughing so loud she can't sleep anymore.

me: This show is seriously amazing.

RiH: It makes me feel so good about myself.

me: Hey sweater vest!

RiH: HUH This cannot be real.

me: “How much do you weigh?”

RiH: NO JEN NO

me: “That's gorgeous.” JEN WHY DO YOU LET US DOWN

RiH: NO NO NO  JERSEY HAIR

me: YOU PICKED A GUY IN A SPEEDO HOLDING A POMERANIAN. - you gave up the right to judge.

RiH: UM NO!

me: I wonder if Ukelele guy keeps playing music for everyone. Oh you get to switch them out!

RiH: Answer yes

me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

RiH: HEY REGINALD

me: I guess with a name like Reginald you have to carry nunchucks.

RiH: You might as well have been named Carlton. Jen had a Courtney Cox moment!!!!

me: THE HAIR

RiH: As in I thought one was the other. OH SHIRT

me: COUGAR NOISE. I love whoever is doing the music/sound effects. Massage therapists creep me out.

RiH: ME TOO. That's a palm reader douche

me: The girl in the purple has become my favorite. Sorry Jen. BELLY SHIRT

RiH: Oh short with a bad hat and bad rolled jans

jans???

jeans

me: Hey tall cutie pie.

RiH: I'm bi-sexual ladies

me: This man is far too normal. TOO GOOD ON PAPER

RiH: He does a weird head thing

me: Yeah, he's bi. “I'm a sucker for blondes but boobs don't do anything for me.”  And we have the title for the blog entry.

RiH: THAT BLONDE IS A MAN. Which is why I thought she had a chance. NOOOO MORE BELT


10:23 PM

me: The The Deep End does not look like something I want to ... oh wait, was that Billy Zane?

RiH: It was. Only reason to watch. Retarded law firm show.

me: This looks REALLY bad.

RiH: NO ONE WASHES THEIR HAIR AT A BIG FIRM

me: And not CBoL bad.

RiH: NO TIME. I can barely do it. And I work in HARRISBURG

me: I like Jen and Scott.

RiH: OHH

me: Aw hey “normal” guy!

RiH: At least get the dude a hair cut

me: I thought he said “I'm somewhat gay” not “I'm a sommelier.” I love Erich.

RiH: Beer gut + Blonde does not equal Chris Farley

me: Oh blonde is going to eat him up. DO IT

RiH: “HE LOOKS LIKE MY STEP DAD”

me: OH MY GOD GQ Money. You're an asshat.

RiH: LITTLE FEET

me: “I don't know either but he just broke the ice.”

RiH: TRAVIS

me: How did I know his name would be Travis? Balloon animal makers rank up with clowns. NO LIE

RiH: VIRGINS DO NOT MAKE PENIS BALLOONS.  BECAUSE IM MORMON

me: Do we think it is a coincidence that he gave the big boob girl the balloon animal?

RiH: BETSY NO

me: I wish Betsy had said "I want you to get in my box." Conveyor belt conflict!

RiH: Do they have a screen play class at your school? TAKE IT

me: lol I love Modern Family. It is hilarious.

RiH: It is. OMG PA, pass table games JEEEZIS. Sorry, local commercials

me: Oh that's right. We have different local news.

RiH: Gov is threatening to lay off thousands without table games and it's so stupid, because we will have them eventually, fucking shit legislature.

me: I got to hear about the Redskins and then you know, THE WAR, and then they closed with a promise to expose "The Darker Side of Cheerleading."

RiH: Oh I want to know about that. Let me guess, anorexia, bulemia (?)
CRAZY ASS MOMS

me: I think it was more on the violence side. That could just be me hoping for that though.

RiH: You and me both. YES


10:33 PM

me: Downward dog!

RiH: Horrid shoes. Horrid jeans.

me: Oh. Josh. You're cute. C'mon. TREASURE HUNTER! But yes, the jeans are horrible.

RiH: BAD JEANS AND SHOES

me: He looks like a slightly smarter Andrew Shue.

RiH: But overall, most attractive yes.

me: BODY ODOR

RiH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

RiH: BOY FIGHT

me: Nice try buddy. MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

RiH: MAJIK

me: JETHRO! MY GOD THIS SHOW IS LIKE CRACK!

RiH: I suppose if you have a voice like that you have to cut your hand off

me: Hey cuntreee! He's making a napkin rose.

RiH: Hey Dane Cook

me: THAT IS STANDARD

RiH: BECAUSE THEY NEVER SING OR SONGRIGHT. WRITE...ALWAYS BOTH

me: That's because they are artistes.

RiH: because musicians always have their "stuff" together

me: “Lance. Go over to my area.”

RiH: He is not a ginger, that is what is interesting

me: Nor does he have forehead curls.

RiH: WHOA!

me: I love bitchy Asian girl.

RiH: I do too actually. She has really grown on me. Accordian!!!

me: Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

RiH: spelling, not so much my fote...forte

me: HAHAHAHAHA

RiH: OH NO

me: Barry. STOP IT.

RiH: BARRY

me: When the cheesy guys are laughing at you, it is NOT GOOD.

RiH: HE HAS A POMERANIAN.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: Only way to distract from the speedo.

RiH: THANK JEEZIS

me: Hey. Don't be dissing Zach Morris.

RiH: Why are they speeding through people? That's not okay.

me: (Not that I ever watched the show).  Because they still have to get to the dates.

RiH: I would prefer this for an hour

me: As would I.

(Here is where we devolve into a quick talk on The Bachelor, which I fear she has sucked me in to watching.)

RiH: Oh did you see fake engagement ring girl btw?

me: YES  The stew.

RiH: HEEEEE!

me: I can't wait to see which trainwrecks he picks.

RiH: I can buy one at Claire's too…doesn't make me hotter

me: I wonder if the normal girls (You know, all three of them) wish he didn't pick them.

RiH: I would like to think so, but I can't be sure. TV is an evil mistress.

me: That whore.

RiH: ONE I WANT TO BE ON FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FUCKING WITH PEOPLE

me: HEEE

RiH: call me!

(Aannnnnnnnd we’re back!)

me: I like that Josh is posing.  OMG THE SHOES

RiH: oh

oh

oh

me: They are like hemmoroids on his feet.

RiH: Keiko, come hang out. WHOA

me: Pretty blinking boy with the dog is maybe growing on me as well.

RiH: ARE YOU NOT IN LOVE WITH THE PLEATHER

me: STOP IT! The Indian. THE HEADDRESS

me: “I'm that girl. Not interested.”

RiH: because she is a man

me: Oh vest guy. I like you.

RiH: So many skinny guys…ugh. So hot when you don't remember my name!!!

me: How could she pick that over vest guy?


10:45 PM

me: Last guy!!!!!

RiH: nice teal guitar

me: That isn't a song, it is chords. And not well played.

RiH: and offfffffffff key gitahhhhh

me: Oh the blonde is desperate. She's the one with a shot glass in one hand and a lighter in the other at 4 am.

RiH: GUN SHOW AT 2 o'clock

me: EVERYONE IS INTO THE WATCHMEN. Jen you're a fucking poser.

RiH: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

me: And I am going to spell it poseur.

RiH: FAT GUY DUMPS YOU

me: “Holy crap, that's the first time that worked.”

RiH: WALLET CHAIN  EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

me: Dude. The Watchmen is the most well known comic ever. And just got made into a major movie. It's one of those things I hate telling people I like because it is like if you've been a Boston fan FOREVER and then can't tell people you like them right after they won the World Series.

“Wicked funny.”

RiH: Yeah so huh Clueless

O M G

me: “marry, married, marriage” “I want you to worship me.”

RiH: NOOOOOOO Only 11 minutes left

me: See. You could use more of the date time.

RiH: trade this out with bachelor

me: I like that they only give us an hour. Keeps us from getting overloaded and leaves us wanting more. AND THERE HAD BEST BE MORE ABC

RiH: Can I block some ass that keeps sending me text forwards?

me: Yes.


DATE ONE:

RiH: SHARE

me: “um  Uh  ummmmm ughhhhh”

RiH: “UHHHHHHH”

JOSH

me: hahahaha-Jen continues to disappoint. YOU EAT THE CHEESE
RiH: TAKE SOME LACTAID YOU STUPID BITCH

me: “Anime is a little foreign to me.”

RiH: BECAUSE IT IS

me: Dude. That's because it IS

RiH: lol

me: “I'm a Southern lady. I gotta bang out a couple.”


DATE TWO:

RiH: I DO NOT GET ON BIKES WITH STRANGE MEN

me: I would not wear that to Sunday School.

RiH: yes everyone wears strapless dresses to Sunday School. NICE TANK TOP

me: I can't imagine why a guy wearing tight jeans, tight tank top and cowboy boots is still single.

RiH: But it's Nashville!!!!

me: “Hey your 15 year old son wants to meet you.” “That was the beginning of the end.” BWAHAHAHAH

RiH: because he has a wallet chain!!!!!


DATE THREE:

me: I hope these crazy kids work out.

RiH: smaahhhhht

me: That would be wickehd coool. “Smells like mah grandfathah's cellah.”

RiH: they are getting married. Wtf

me: Most likely. Let us now pray they're not fertile.

RiH: Don't sell yourself short Erich! whoa lap!

me: They're rather adorable in their awkwardness.

RiH: They are but this is ridiculous



DATE FOUR:

me: They both brought their purse dogs. I own a tanning salon. I'm SHOCKED.

RiH: HE LIVES WITH HIS MOM

me: DOG FIGHT

RiH: hahahahahahahaha

me: Tony and Rambo. OMG. They totally had sex that night and that makes me feel dirty.

RiH: NO DON'T END. hey aspen dude

me: That was the best hour of my life.


11:00 PM

RiH: How many more weeks of this do we get?

me: (Amended to read: spent with the intellectual dregs of society) I don't know but I hope it never ends.

RiH: I will put a second mortgage on my house to buy the franchise if need be.