Major, Life-Altering Surgery and Why I'm Having It

Over the last year or so I've been having GI problems, the last 3 months so severe to the point I've lost about 40 lbs since I saw some of you in CA in July.  I've been to almost every specialist (GI, Rheumatologist, OB/GYN, Allergist, etc.) you could think up and have had I'm damn near sure every procedure and test known to man performed (countless blood tests, colonoscopy, upper and lower GI series, barium x-rays, cat scans, ultrasounds, etc.) and they still haven't been able to diagnose me with anything other than a vague "malabsorption" issue and really low B-12.  My B-12 is so low I'm getting weekly shots indefinitely. 


So, the good news is I don't have Crohn's or cancer or celiacs (oh my!) but for some reason my GI tract is moving things through at too rapid a pace for me to absorb most nutrients.  Mine processes things in about 30 minutes when it should be taking upwards of 4 hours.  The bad news is that the only way we've been able to curb the rapid weight loss (and fainting and dizziness and...) is to strictly limit my diet.  So since the first week of September, I've been eating a diet consisting of banana, yogurt, applesauce, rice, chicken stock, sometimes I can manage steamed chicken, toast, and mashed potatoes.  Over the last few weeks, I've tried introducing actual vegetables other than potatoes and while the first tries were, let's just say disastrous, I have managed to work in a few such as carrots and squash.  I am slowly inching towards colorful meals again and I can't be more delighted.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was only able to consume roughly 1-2 cups of food a day.  I still feel painfully full after eating, no matter how little, but I am able to eat 3-4 small meals a day now so the rapid weight loss has been stopped.  Because of this lack of nutrition and fuel, I have not been able to work since late August.  I get winded walking around the block.  That has been the worst part - not being able to be as active and alive as I want to be.  I force myself to do things and then have to sleep, A LOT, after just to regain energy.  

During the abdominal CT early on in this ordeal, I was told they discovered a "large mass" in my abdomen.  After spending roughly 20 hours telling myself "It's not a tumah," the next day I had an abdominal utlrasound of my ovaries and uterus and it was determined that among about 20 others (those are only the ones visible), I have a fibroid measuring roughly 11cm.  Which is huge it turns out and has put my uterus into a constant state of being the size it would be if I were 5 months pregnant.  When my OB/GYN told me this she said "You are carrying it amazingly well.  I would never have guessed all this was in there." So I have that going for me...but I also have a mutant uterus that is doing nothing but growing and putting pressure on my small intestine and bladder.  It was recommended that I have a total abdominal hysterectomy, leaving my ovaries intact.  My immediate response was "hell no, I don't want to have surgery if I don't HAVE to."  But after weeks of thinking on it and doing tons of research (see: not working) I discovered I could be a candidate for a myomectomy, which is a surgery to remove the fibroids while keeping the uterus intact.  This would be just an intermediary surgery, giving me some years of relief while knowing I would have to have a hysterectomy in 5-10 years.  My uterus would grow more fibroids and would become huge again and at that point in my life, a hysterectomy would be my only option.  I should also mention that my mother (31) and both aunts (early 40s) had hysterectomies due to fibroids and say it's the best thing they did.

I have spoken with my OB/GYN (who is AWESOME) a number of times at length, going over options that didn't include major surgery, and she was completely willing to perform the open myomectomy if it was my wish to keep my uterus, given that I'm only 37 and may want children at some point.  I have known forever that I don't so that hasn't been an issue, but the thought of losing a part of my body really weighed heavily on me; even a part I have never had any intention of using. It's still a part that defines who we are as women...literally.  Weighing the emotional issues against having to have two extensive abdominal surgeries, rather than just one, I decided, after much talking with my amazingly supportive friends and family and much much crying, to have the hysterectomy now and save a lot of time and trouble (and money considering I won't have to take any more birth control pills.) 

While the mutant uterus is not directly tied to the GI problems I've been having, it has most definitely contributed to them.  It is my, and my doctors', hope that removing this...thing...will grant me some relief from the GI issues, and will most definitely grant me relief from the pain and discomfort I've lived with for the last few years from the fibroids.

I'm told that I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days, most likely being discharged sometime Sunday.  My incredible mother will be here for the surgery and roughly a week after, so I'll have my very own live-in nurse for the roughest part of recovery, which total can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks.  I warn you now, I will be on percoset and going stir-crazy - a combination that will most likely result in embarrassing, yet hilarious antics.

The two points I wanted to make with this ridiculously long post are these:

1. You cannot get through life without friends and family.  I've always thought being strong and independent meant doing things on my own, not having to ask for help, being self-sufficient.  That is a giant, steaming pile of crock.  Being strong means realizing when you need help and support and having the courage to ask those around you for it.  My hope for all of you is that you have the kind of support system I do, because I have never felt more loved than I have this past month.  I am truly blessed.

2. Having a hysterectomy is not a decision one should, or even could I imagine, enter into lightly.  While it is the second most common surgery, behind C-sections, for women in the US, it is a major, invasive surgery.  And it changes your life.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that even though I won't have all my lady parts, I am still going to be very much a woman in every sense of the word.  I still struggle with this and I'm sure I will post-op, but as it has been pointed out to me many times, no one should have to live with this kind of discomfort and pain.  Even if you can handle it like I can - don't.  Get help for chronic pain.  Do what is necessary to live a good, healthy, pain-free life.  It is not a sign of weakness to fix what ails you.

Wish me luck and I'll be sure to post a percoset-hazed post-op update.

I'd Rather Not Double Down Thanks

I'm reading this great essay on the hypocrisy of fast food outrage and this quote made me laugh almost as hard as Betty White on SNL last night.

"Never mind that KFC plans to offer the Double Down for only six weeks — Colonel Sanders, widely thought to be dead but perhaps just hanging out in the rugged terrain of Pakistan, is now the greatest threat to America’s long-term security."

Why I Will Forever Love Gilmore Girls

Because of dialogue like this delivered by two great actors: Kelly Bishop and Edward Herrman:

Emily Gilmore: I am going to Europe Richard; I am going to Europe and I'm going to have a marvelous time.  I'm going to get up at 10 and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch. Every. Single. Day.

Richard Gilmore: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch!

Emily Gilmore: Well then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno, because I am OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

Musings of an Insomniac

• Yes Marcus, I refer to people by either their blog name or nickname for the most part here on my blog.  That doesn't make me a geek...I mean really, there are SO MANY other things to point to as backup for that theory.  
• After one night of what I'm going to call normal sleep (it really wasn't, but this is neither the time nor the place to burst my bubble) I'm back to being wide awake at 3 am.  yay... 
• RiH and I use all caps WAY TOO MUCH.  This realization will not stop us.  NO SIR.
• The Olympics are coming and woo nelly I've already got the fever.  Or a cold. Probably a cold since I'm sneezing as well.  However, that does not dim my excitement that curling being shown on my tv is just around the corner.
• RiH and I were crushed, CRUSHED I SAY, to learn that CBoL was a one-time special.  Oh, it was special alright ABC.  So special we need, nay demand, more.  Get on that.  Thanks.
• Many thanks to the very kind words a number of you sent in response to my post about my father.  Your encouragement, sympathy, and support mean the world to me and get me through the dark days as well as making the good ones brighter. 
• I'll need to do a post about my New Year's Eve.  It was a fun and delightful evening full of hilarious quotes and happenings and a douchebag DJ. 

Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

Redhead in Heels and I decided to watch Conveyor Belt of Love together, communicating via Gchat since she is in PA and I am, well, here in DC.  What follows is a very long and ADDish conversation you shall find either hilarious or boring.  If it's boring to you, I recommend you don't watch CBoL ever and also?  I feel sad for your belly that it won't laugh as hard as we did at the awesomeness that was that hour of television.

Panda, this is mostly to teach you a lesson.  That lesson being you don't email us AFTER the awesome show has ended.  You join us in Gchat DURING.  But here, go ahead and read this as you watch it online, like I know you will.

10:01 PM

me: Okay, I have flipped over to live tv. I shall suffer commercials for you dammit.

RiH: AT A PERFECT TIME

me: The conveyor belt of love has started rolling!

RiH: Q U A L I T Y

me: This. Is. Already. Amazing.  I love you for watching this with me.

RiH: Ukeleles sp?  COUGAR BRACKET

me: “I prefer to dayteh in the cougah bracket.” I'm giggling. I can't stop giggling.

RiH: I would fall down on the conveyor belt. Shiny penny? What?

me: Hey Betsy from Missouri!  Keiko. This isn't called Conveyor Belt of BOOTY.

RiH: “I can break down the biggest player on Earth, that's my gift.”

me: I'm fairly certain Angelique was a man at some point.

RiH: Oh Jen, why are you doing this, you seem normal. Normal is so relative at this point.

me: Yes. But she needs to pull up her dress.

RiH: LIVE AT HOME

me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

RiH: I like shoes

me: Hey Jack Johnson.

RiH: 23!!!!!!!!

me: He looks 10 years older than he is.

RiH: AND still not attractive

me: Oh good. He picked the non-whore.

RiH: “GO TO MY BOX.” Nice producers, nice

me: Who doesn't want to say "So go to my box"?

RiH: OMG

me: Oh put Brian out of his misery.

RiH: Why so many tight blue shirts????

me: A poet!  “Imagine ecstasy.”

RiH: With an awful voice.

me: “Without hesitation.”

RiH: baths filled with milk!

me: I LOVE THIS SHOW

RiH: NICE BELT

me: “We got to the point of intimacy.”

RiH: I’M TERRIFIED

me: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

RiH: HE IS SO UGLY



10:09 PM

me: That can't be his real hair.

RiH: That can't be his real skin color

RiH: How are there only 30? I could watch this forevah!

me: “I'm a tremendous lover.” Best. Hour. Ever.

RiH: I think how much he loves his dog is COURAGEOUS.

me: “I'm interested! I'm interested!”

RiH: Oh I just slammed my head into big momma on the back of the couch laughing so hard oooooops

me: hahahahaha I will take this time to point out that Charlotte is now FACING the television.

RiH: Probably because you are laughing so loud she can't sleep anymore.

me: This show is seriously amazing.

RiH: It makes me feel so good about myself.

me: Hey sweater vest!

RiH: HUH This cannot be real.

me: “How much do you weigh?”

RiH: NO JEN NO

me: “That's gorgeous.” JEN WHY DO YOU LET US DOWN

RiH: NO NO NO  JERSEY HAIR

me: YOU PICKED A GUY IN A SPEEDO HOLDING A POMERANIAN. - you gave up the right to judge.

RiH: UM NO!

me: I wonder if Ukelele guy keeps playing music for everyone. Oh you get to switch them out!

RiH: Answer yes

me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

RiH: HEY REGINALD

me: I guess with a name like Reginald you have to carry nunchucks.

RiH: You might as well have been named Carlton. Jen had a Courtney Cox moment!!!!

me: THE HAIR

RiH: As in I thought one was the other. OH SHIRT

me: COUGAR NOISE. I love whoever is doing the music/sound effects. Massage therapists creep me out.

RiH: ME TOO. That's a palm reader douche

me: The girl in the purple has become my favorite. Sorry Jen. BELLY SHIRT

RiH: Oh short with a bad hat and bad rolled jans

jans???

jeans

me: Hey tall cutie pie.

RiH: I'm bi-sexual ladies

me: This man is far too normal. TOO GOOD ON PAPER

RiH: He does a weird head thing

me: Yeah, he's bi. “I'm a sucker for blondes but boobs don't do anything for me.”  And we have the title for the blog entry.

RiH: THAT BLONDE IS A MAN. Which is why I thought she had a chance. NOOOO MORE BELT


10:23 PM

me: The The Deep End does not look like something I want to ... oh wait, was that Billy Zane?

RiH: It was. Only reason to watch. Retarded law firm show.

me: This looks REALLY bad.

RiH: NO ONE WASHES THEIR HAIR AT A BIG FIRM

me: And not CBoL bad.

RiH: NO TIME. I can barely do it. And I work in HARRISBURG

me: I like Jen and Scott.

RiH: OHH

me: Aw hey “normal” guy!

RiH: At least get the dude a hair cut

me: I thought he said “I'm somewhat gay” not “I'm a sommelier.” I love Erich.

RiH: Beer gut + Blonde does not equal Chris Farley

me: Oh blonde is going to eat him up. DO IT

RiH: “HE LOOKS LIKE MY STEP DAD”

me: OH MY GOD GQ Money. You're an asshat.

RiH: LITTLE FEET

me: “I don't know either but he just broke the ice.”

RiH: TRAVIS

me: How did I know his name would be Travis? Balloon animal makers rank up with clowns. NO LIE

RiH: VIRGINS DO NOT MAKE PENIS BALLOONS.  BECAUSE IM MORMON

me: Do we think it is a coincidence that he gave the big boob girl the balloon animal?

RiH: BETSY NO

me: I wish Betsy had said "I want you to get in my box." Conveyor belt conflict!

RiH: Do they have a screen play class at your school? TAKE IT

me: lol I love Modern Family. It is hilarious.

RiH: It is. OMG PA, pass table games JEEEZIS. Sorry, local commercials

me: Oh that's right. We have different local news.

RiH: Gov is threatening to lay off thousands without table games and it's so stupid, because we will have them eventually, fucking shit legislature.

me: I got to hear about the Redskins and then you know, THE WAR, and then they closed with a promise to expose "The Darker Side of Cheerleading."

RiH: Oh I want to know about that. Let me guess, anorexia, bulemia (?)
CRAZY ASS MOMS

me: I think it was more on the violence side. That could just be me hoping for that though.

RiH: You and me both. YES


10:33 PM

me: Downward dog!

RiH: Horrid shoes. Horrid jeans.

me: Oh. Josh. You're cute. C'mon. TREASURE HUNTER! But yes, the jeans are horrible.

RiH: BAD JEANS AND SHOES

me: He looks like a slightly smarter Andrew Shue.

RiH: But overall, most attractive yes.

me: BODY ODOR

RiH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

RiH: BOY FIGHT

me: Nice try buddy. MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

RiH: MAJIK

me: JETHRO! MY GOD THIS SHOW IS LIKE CRACK!

RiH: I suppose if you have a voice like that you have to cut your hand off

me: Hey cuntreee! He's making a napkin rose.

RiH: Hey Dane Cook

me: THAT IS STANDARD

RiH: BECAUSE THEY NEVER SING OR SONGRIGHT. WRITE...ALWAYS BOTH

me: That's because they are artistes.

RiH: because musicians always have their "stuff" together

me: “Lance. Go over to my area.”

RiH: He is not a ginger, that is what is interesting

me: Nor does he have forehead curls.

RiH: WHOA!

me: I love bitchy Asian girl.

RiH: I do too actually. She has really grown on me. Accordian!!!

me: Read that as "I feel like Lance is way more attractive and will actually give me dick."

RiH: spelling, not so much my fote...forte

me: HAHAHAHAHA

RiH: OH NO

me: Barry. STOP IT.

RiH: BARRY

me: When the cheesy guys are laughing at you, it is NOT GOOD.

RiH: HE HAS A POMERANIAN.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: Only way to distract from the speedo.

RiH: THANK JEEZIS

me: Hey. Don't be dissing Zach Morris.

RiH: Why are they speeding through people? That's not okay.

me: (Not that I ever watched the show).  Because they still have to get to the dates.

RiH: I would prefer this for an hour

me: As would I.

(Here is where we devolve into a quick talk on The Bachelor, which I fear she has sucked me in to watching.)

RiH: Oh did you see fake engagement ring girl btw?

me: YES  The stew.

RiH: HEEEEE!

me: I can't wait to see which trainwrecks he picks.

RiH: I can buy one at Claire's too…doesn't make me hotter

me: I wonder if the normal girls (You know, all three of them) wish he didn't pick them.

RiH: I would like to think so, but I can't be sure. TV is an evil mistress.

me: That whore.

RiH: ONE I WANT TO BE ON FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FUCKING WITH PEOPLE

me: HEEE

RiH: call me!

(Aannnnnnnnd we’re back!)

me: I like that Josh is posing.  OMG THE SHOES

RiH: oh

oh

oh

me: They are like hemmoroids on his feet.

RiH: Keiko, come hang out. WHOA

me: Pretty blinking boy with the dog is maybe growing on me as well.

RiH: ARE YOU NOT IN LOVE WITH THE PLEATHER

me: STOP IT! The Indian. THE HEADDRESS

me: “I'm that girl. Not interested.”

RiH: because she is a man

me: Oh vest guy. I like you.

RiH: So many skinny guys…ugh. So hot when you don't remember my name!!!

me: How could she pick that over vest guy?


10:45 PM

me: Last guy!!!!!

RiH: nice teal guitar

me: That isn't a song, it is chords. And not well played.

RiH: and offfffffffff key gitahhhhh

me: Oh the blonde is desperate. She's the one with a shot glass in one hand and a lighter in the other at 4 am.

RiH: GUN SHOW AT 2 o'clock

me: EVERYONE IS INTO THE WATCHMEN. Jen you're a fucking poser.

RiH: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

me: And I am going to spell it poseur.

RiH: FAT GUY DUMPS YOU

me: “Holy crap, that's the first time that worked.”

RiH: WALLET CHAIN  EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

me: Dude. The Watchmen is the most well known comic ever. And just got made into a major movie. It's one of those things I hate telling people I like because it is like if you've been a Boston fan FOREVER and then can't tell people you like them right after they won the World Series.

“Wicked funny.”

RiH: Yeah so huh Clueless

O M G

me: “marry, married, marriage” “I want you to worship me.”

RiH: NOOOOOOO Only 11 minutes left

me: See. You could use more of the date time.

RiH: trade this out with bachelor

me: I like that they only give us an hour. Keeps us from getting overloaded and leaves us wanting more. AND THERE HAD BEST BE MORE ABC

RiH: Can I block some ass that keeps sending me text forwards?

me: Yes.


DATE ONE:

RiH: SHARE

me: “um  Uh  ummmmm ughhhhh”

RiH: “UHHHHHHH”

JOSH

me: hahahaha-Jen continues to disappoint. YOU EAT THE CHEESE
RiH: TAKE SOME LACTAID YOU STUPID BITCH

me: “Anime is a little foreign to me.”

RiH: BECAUSE IT IS

me: Dude. That's because it IS

RiH: lol

me: “I'm a Southern lady. I gotta bang out a couple.”


DATE TWO:

RiH: I DO NOT GET ON BIKES WITH STRANGE MEN

me: I would not wear that to Sunday School.

RiH: yes everyone wears strapless dresses to Sunday School. NICE TANK TOP

me: I can't imagine why a guy wearing tight jeans, tight tank top and cowboy boots is still single.

RiH: But it's Nashville!!!!

me: “Hey your 15 year old son wants to meet you.” “That was the beginning of the end.” BWAHAHAHAH

RiH: because he has a wallet chain!!!!!


DATE THREE:

me: I hope these crazy kids work out.

RiH: smaahhhhht

me: That would be wickehd coool. “Smells like mah grandfathah's cellah.”

RiH: they are getting married. Wtf

me: Most likely. Let us now pray they're not fertile.

RiH: Don't sell yourself short Erich! whoa lap!

me: They're rather adorable in their awkwardness.

RiH: They are but this is ridiculous



DATE FOUR:

me: They both brought their purse dogs. I own a tanning salon. I'm SHOCKED.

RiH: HE LIVES WITH HIS MOM

me: DOG FIGHT

RiH: hahahahahahahaha

me: Tony and Rambo. OMG. They totally had sex that night and that makes me feel dirty.

RiH: NO DON'T END. hey aspen dude

me: That was the best hour of my life.


11:00 PM

RiH: How many more weeks of this do we get?

me: (Amended to read: spent with the intellectual dregs of society) I don't know but I hope it never ends.

RiH: I will put a second mortgage on my house to buy the franchise if need be.

Water and Animals

So today it has been a year.  January 3, 2009 I got the call telling me my father had passed away. While it wasn't unexpected (I'd seen him about a week before and he was maybe 150 lbs soaking wet, which at 6'4" is not good), I'd just spoken to him the day before and he sounded great and happy and full of life and hope. I hadn't seen him for a long time before that visit home right before Christmas and from what I've been told, he seemed to have been fighting, knowing he'd see me soon.  The time we spent together that day sticks with me.  Not just because it was the last time I saw him, but because he was so happy despite being so obviously ill.  He kept holding my hand, telling me how good it was to see me and this time it felt like he really meant it and that I could believe he really loved me and was sorry.

My dad and I had a rocky relationship.  Maybe I'll go into it in some post in the future, but for now just know most of my life was spent wanting to feel loved by my father and mostly being let down.  I have so many cards from him through the years telling me how important I was to him, so many phone conversations I remember him saying how good it was to hear my voice, how very much he loved me.  I just couldn't move past all the times he'd let me down.  It wasn't necessarily completely his fault, he had a rough life and he tried.  I know now he really tried, especially at the end.  He may not have been the best father, but he was a truly incredible person.  Always laughing, enjoying life to the fullest.  

He is why music is such a huge part of my life, why I can quote both Young Frankenstein and the Great Escape and whistle the Green Berets song.  He is why I know how to change a tire on any car, throw a punch, shoot a gun, take pictures, why I prefer fruit candy to chocolate, why I will always love the feel and smell of the ocean in the early morning, why I'll never know the peace I felt all those hours spent at and on the ocean, why I have such compassion for animals and care about what's happening to the environment.

Any time someone tells me I'm beautiful I smile.  Not because of the very nice compliment I was just given, but because it never fails to remind me of one morning when I was in kindergarten.  My father drove me to school in one of his Chevy Corvairs (a car I will forever love).  While we were stopped at a light, he paused in his singing of Harry Chapin's W.O.L.D., turned to me and said "You look beautiful today."  I turned back and said "So do you daddy" to which he laughed, his wonderful big and true laugh, a sound I hope I'll never forget, and explained to me that girls are beautiful and boys are handsome. 

These are the things I will remember about him today.  These are the things and moments I cherish, that make me smile while I cry knowing he's finally at peace.  I miss you pops.

Dexter You Beast

Just finished catching up on this latest season of Dexter and all I will say is wow. I'm delighted with how they ended things all around and can't wait to see what they come up with next season. First Jimmy Smits, then John Lythgow - I wonder who the next serial killer Dexter looks to for guidance will be....

For PlanB From Jake

I've swung back around to being in a great mood/state of mind. It helps that I have finals this week, survived The 24-Hour Attack of the Cold, had people remind me that I'm a good person and friend (hooray validation!), am mere minutes away from what I can only imagine is a heart-wrenching fulfilling season finale of Dexter, and am drinking a glass of wine listening to one of my very favorite mixtapes ever.

It was made for me by the Supposed-to-be-Best Man, circa 1997 and is a perfect example of the music Jake and I shared a love for, most from when we were kids. Our relationship was fun and passionate and deep and rocky but constant and full of the strongest love I've ever been a part of. Neither of us ever got over the guilt of betraying the Supposed-to-be-Groom - we were doomed from the start, but it is a year I would not give back for anything.

Side A:

1. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stills, & Nash (My love for CSN [&Y] is long documented and never wavering. I learned how to harmonize by listening to their songs and warbling along. They're one of maybe three musical acts that have the ability to transport me back to each stage in my life. There has never been a time when I didn't listen to them, and I can't imagine a time when there will be. Stephen Stills wrote this as he was on the verge of breakup with Judy Collins. It's a beautiful song detailing love and its failings. "I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are and you make it hard...change my life, make it right, be my lady.")

2. But Anyway - Blues Traveler (Jake and I saw these guys a couple of times at The Greek Theater, which happens to be my most favorite place to see a concert ever. Great live act. "Some day an answer will find us, quite a long shot, but anyway. I think the past, the past is behind us." Unfortunately, we could never get over our past.)

3. Pride & Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughan (So. Effing. Good. I owe my knowledge and love of SRV to Jake. SRV & Double Trouble Live at Carnegie Hall - get it if you don't have it. "Yeah I love my lady, she's long and lean. You mess with her you'll see a man get mean.")

4. Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin (What can I say about dear, beautiful Janis that hasn't already been said a thousand times? "You're out on the streets honey looking pretty good, but deep down, deep down inside I guess you know it ain't never been right." So true.)

5. Me & My Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin (Gravelly, soulful, heart out for all to hear. Kris Kristofferwho? Her voice makes me forgive it for spawning so many bad karaoke renditions. "Yeah, and feeling good was easy Lord, when he sang the blues. You know feeling good was good enough for me, mhm, good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.")

6. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (I also owe my appreciation and love for Bob Dylan to Jake. He exposed me to the rare tracks, the lesser known songs that I listen to over and over again. "But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe...go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse. When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.")

7. Love Minus Zero/No Limit - Bob Dylan (One of the prettiest songs about unconditional love ever written. All love is a risk. "My love she's like some raven at my window with a broken wing.")

8. In My Life - The Beatles ("And these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as something new." Perfect song for a new love who is insecure about the past ones.)

9. I'm Waiting for the Day - The Beach Boys (Ah, Pet Sounds. A near perfect album. This, Sloop John B, Wouldn't It Be Nice, God Only Knows...sigh. "I kissed your lips and when your face looked sad it made me think about him and that you still loved him so...You didn't think that I could sit around and let him take you.")

10. I'll Be There - Clarence Brown (Phenomenal and gritty and bluesy and fun. Worth scrolling down and hearing the clip. With songs like this, how could I say no? "Ain't no chain strong enough to hold me, ain't no breeze big enough to slow me, I'll be there if you ever want me by your side.")

Side B:

1. Sugaree - Jerry Garcia (Jake, in addition to many other things, was very much a Dead Head and succeeded in turning me into one to the point where I wouldn't travel around seeing them, but I listen to them and hear beauty and joy and pure love of music and am happy. "One last voice is calling you and I guess it's time you go. Just one thing I ask of you, just one thing for me. Please forget you knew my name, my darling sugaree.")

2. I Second That Emotion - Jerry Garcia (I love me the Smokey Robinson and usually don't like covers, but c'mon. Jerry and Bob? Gotta give it to 'em, they make it their own. "Maybe you think that love was made for fools, so it makes you wise to break the rules.")

3. How Sweet It Is - Jerry Garcia (The video quality makes it look like it's from about 1957...who doesn't want a love like this one? "I open my eyes at night, wondering where would I be without you in my life. Everything was such a bore. All the things I've done seems I've done 'em before. But you brightened up all of my days, with your love so sweet in so many ways.")

4. Eyes of the World - Grateful Dead (Definitely one of the goofier, less favorite of mine Grateful Dead songs. I most likely fastfowarded to the end 9 out of 10 times I listened to this tape, but sweet and hey, Bruce Hornsby! "Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings, but the heart has it's seasons, it's evenings and songs of it's own.")

Deadwood

Yet another unique, high quality show cut short before its time. Excellent writing (in iambic pentameter with even more cocksuckers thrown in than this place), superb acting, and episodic descriptions such as: "A dandy arrives by stage coach and immediately begins exploring how to bring culture to the camp." A dandy you say? In that case, yes, I will pour myself a glass of wine and watch you again.

Who Sent The Memo?

To all those I've somehow wronged over the years who are collectively all of a sudden bringing it all back up: I'm sorry. I realize I was not the best person at all times. I could probably waste time thinking about your faults but I won't. It's the past. We've hopefully learned from our mistakes and made changes. I know I have. Can we agree on a Christmas Miracle, move on and stop beating me up-I've done it enough on my own. Thanks.

For Half-Pint: Songs Sean Could Never Sing

My freshman year of college (1990-91) I met a boy who re-taught me how to snow ski. My friend Cheri invited me on a ski trip and even though I hadn't been skiing in years, I said yes because it sounded fun and why not, I was going to be home for Winter Break anyway. So we drove up to Big Bear and on the trip up, I ended up chatting with this guy Frank (trust, it took some work to pull that name out of the ole memory bank) who told me I looked like Half-Pint on Little House on the Prairie. Smooth. I wish I could say that it was the first time I'd heard this, but no. In "retaliation" I pulled out the only '70s celebrity I could think of who he resembled and came up with Shaun Cassidy...hence the title of the tape (yes, he misspelled Shaun). We ended up dating for about a month or two after the ski trip - complicated by me being in Santa Barbara and him in Pomona. He was a nice enough guy I suppose, but there was just something off about him that I could never put my finger on...ultimately I think he was just way too into me too fast, which always freaks me out. Or maybe it was his decision to put Kenny G on a mix tape.

Side 1:

1. Metallica - Nothing Else Matters (I think anyone my age will always love the Black Album. Despite opening up "metal" to the masses, it's a really quality album. "Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters.")

2. Oingo Boingo - We Close Our Eyes (It always makes me sad when people say they don't know who Oingo Boingo is - they were such a huge part of my formative years, I just assume everyone knows them [same with Social Distortion]. Here's another clip from a concert I attended. Goodness I miss seeing them live. Their shows were some of the first I went to on my own and set the standard for what I consider to be a good live performance. It's a high bar. "And if you think I'm worth it. And if you think it's not too late, we might start falling, if we don't try too hard, we might start falling in love.")

3. Queensryche - Silent Lucidity (A beautiful ballad by a band known for quite the opposite, despite the lead singer's silly pronunciation. "The walls you built within come tumbling down and a new world will begin.")

4. Bad Company - If You Needed Somebody (Up to this point, we only knew Bad Company from their amazing 10 From 6 album [side note: the only 8 track I have ever had in my possession is Bad Company-Run With the Pack. Why I kept it is a mystery, I never had an 8 track player of my own.]. This song, perfect 1991 cheese, is one I always belt out when I hear it. I chose this clip to illustrate how God awful the fashion was at the time. I'm not sure how any of us got dates. "If I could hold you tonight, it would last me forever. But the time's never right, when will we be together?")

5. Robert Plant - Ship of Fools (This song always reminds me of the morning radio show on KROQ pre-Kevin & Bean. If I remember correctly, it was Richard Blade, the Poorman [I once saw the Poorman during an early morning surf adventure - his wetsuit had a big hole on his right buttcheek] and a couple other people and it was ridiculously fun. "I built this ship it is my making, and furthermore my self control I can't rely on anymore. I know why.")

6. The Church - Under the Milky Way (Love this song. This is one of the cassettes I purchased in South Korea and still have. "Wish I knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find.")

7. Eric Johnson - 40 Mile Town (I would never, ever be able to recall this song if it weren't for this tape. Hearing it again, I remember it clearly and can sing it all, but again, I would never have remembered it on my own. "Seems to me we really need to feel love more. Oh an ordinary smile opens up the door. Sometimes all I want to do is dream away, and wake up in some forty mile town.")

8. Extreme - Hole Hearted (Oh sweet Jesus, that's right. Extreme had two hit songs. "If I'm not blind why can't I see, that a circle can't fit where a square should be?")

9. Dire Straits - So Far Away ("I'm tired of being in love and being all alone when you're so far away from me." Long distance was tough, especially since I didn't have a car at the time. Poor Frank.)

Side 2:

1. The Eagles - The Long Run (I have about a three song limit for The Eagles, but man I love me those three songs and I'd go see them live in a second. "Oh I did some damage, I know it's true. Didn't know I was so lonely 'til I found you.")

2. Kenny G - Going Home (Really? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was put on merely for the title.)

3. Chris Isaak - Wicked Game (Probably my least favorite Chris Isaak song, but since I love them all, it's still a good one. "I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.")

4. U2 - 40 (I'm guessing he put this on because of 1. My love for U2 and 2. I was at a Christian college. For those few who don't know, this is based on the 40th Psalm. I love this song - it always gives me chills, remembering the passion with which Bono sang it live and the passion the crowd gave back with their singing. "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit. Out of the miry clay.")

5. Foreigner - Waiting for a Girl Like You (This band, for me, is right up there with REO Speedwagon. I unabashedly love them and sing along whenever a song of theirs is on. "Maybe I'm wrong. Will you tell me if I'm coming on too strong." Yes. Yes you were Frank.)

6. Led Zeppelin - Fool in the Rain ("Now I will stand in the rain on the corner. Watch the people go shuffling downtown. Another 10 minutes no longer and then I'm turnin around round.")

7. Extreme - More Than Words (Great harmonies, stirring, quiet, cheesy and delicious. "Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you." Amen.)

8. The Cars - Drive (So good it hurts. "Who's gonna tell you things, aren't so great?")

Creepy?

I just realized that two of my cousins (brothers) are both dating women with the same name as their youngest sister. One maybe, but both? Maybe it's because I have a fairly unique name (really, how many PlanBs do you know?) or maybe it's just plain creepy. I mean, c'mon, think about sex. Could you really say intimate romantic things to the same name as a sibling? Am I alone in being weirded out by this?

90210 Observations

I didn't watch 90210 when I was in high school and really only watched sporadically after that, yet somehow I know almost all the storylines and get sucked into watching it whenever an old ep is on...like now. In my defense, they're ridiculously entertaining and it was the High School graduation ep. Things I've noticed:

1. Everyone had really dark eyebrows.

2. I owned most of the clothes they wore. And am embarrassed.

3. Scrunchies must never, ever exist again.

4. In all the mocking of mom jeans it seems to be lost that at one time they were quite fashionable. Especially when worn with a bodysuit and a matching scrunchie.

5. Gabrielle Carteris was like a decade older than the people who were a decade too old to be playing high schoolers. She actually looked older than some of the teachers.

6. I really miss living at the beach.

The OC is on now, which means I will spend another hour watching a show about where I grew up. Probably not wise when I'm homesick, sick, and it's freezing and crappy outside.

Cursed

This is a tape I made while attending Fullerton College in 1993. There are times when you just have to laugh at your younger self. I'm sure I put in way too much time thinking about the lyrics to make the songs mean something in some way. In reality, it's a tape with a bunch of good songs about heartache, unrequited love, and people done wrong.

Side A: Cursed Female

1. Cursed Female - Porno For Pyros ("Cursed to be born, beautiful, young and female. There's none that suffers more." Oh the humanity.)

2. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses - U2 (This is one of my favorite U2 songs that I always need to be reminded of..."Well you lied to me because I asked you to. Baby, can we still be friends? Hey hey, sha la la...the doors you open, I just can't close.")

3. Why Can't I Fall In Love - Ivan Neville (From Pump Up The Volume. Great song from a great movie. Not sure why Ivan Neville never made it big - his voice is outstanding, bluesy, full of emotion. "It's time to get real and change where I'm at, but the same old questions keep following me back.")

4. Eclipse - Pink Floyd (To be fair, this was around the time the big hubbub about playing Dark Side of the Moon with Wizard of Oz was reaching the pinnacle of newness. Yes, we did it. Yes, it was freaky. Yes I was the only one in the room not high as a kite. "All that you love and all that you hate...and everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.")

5. Jump in the River - Sinead O'Connor (This album continues to be one I listen to and identify with - full of stirring, beautiful melodies and haunted lyrics, most notably here. "The phone calls always left me unsure. They never said things on their own accord...there's been days like this before you know and I liked it all.")

6. Again - Janet Jackson (Say what you will about the early 1990's, but there was some damn good female singers cranking out good music, even if it was melodramatic at times. "A wounded heart you gave, my soul you took away. Good intentions you had many, I know you did.")

7. Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel (A lesson in blindly following and the dangers it holds. "But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.")

8. Time - Blind Melon (A performance about a month before Shannon's death by o/d. Yet another talent cut short by drugs. Bleh. "And all the worries you build up inside your soul, the ones that make your world stand still, mean you can feel that it's time to go.")

9. Sunless Saturday - Fishbone (This is one of those bands where if you mention them to me with no prompting, my respect for you will raise a couple notches. "Perhaps the charcoal grey and brown around me is just the mirror image of a tainted soul.")

10. Tryin to Throw Your Arms Around the World - U2 ("How far you gonna go, before you lose your way back home.")

Side B: Cursed Male

1. Cursed Male - Porno For Pyros (No video for this one, most likely due to no reason t have scantily clad women dancing about. "All the guys that really have all the money are too old to have a good time with it." Yes. Such a curse.)

2. So What'cha Want - Beastie Boys ("I'm as cool as cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce." Rhyming doesn't get much better than that.)

3. Maggie Mae - Rod Stewart ("You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without.")

4. I Just Died in Your Arms - Cutting Crew (No self-respecting female my age doesn't love this song. It'd be akin to hating Peter Cetera. You just don't do it. "Is there any just cause for feeling like this? On the surface I'm a name on a list.")

5. Hey, Hey, What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin ("I need to tell her she's the only one I really love." The woman in the song does not sound deserving of this. At all.)

6. She Talks to Angels - Black Crowes (Amazing song. I can't say enough about it. "She gives a smile when the pain comes. Pain gonna make everything alright.")

7. Dyslexic Heart - Paul Westerberg (This song makes me smile. Every time. "Slip me a napkin and now that you start, is this your name or a doctor's eye chart?...Do I date you, do I hate you? I got a dyslexic heart.")

8. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica ("I never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say, and nothing else matters.")

9. Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello ("When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote, I'm the man with a mission in two or three editions." I once dated a guy just because he looked like Elvis Costello. It didn't last long, he couldn't sing.)

10. Fool in the Rain - Led Zeppelin (Pearl Jam backing up Robert Plant. Sigh. "And you thought it was only in movies, as you wish all your dreams would come true. It ain't the first time believe me baby, I'm standing here feeling blue.")

"Food Inc." Or, Why I'll Never Eat Again

I wear leather. I take little issue with others eating meat in front of me and have no qualms preparing it for people. I was never, nor am I currently, a moral vegetarian-it came about mostly because eating meat on a bone really just grosses me out. I've read The Omnivore's Dilemma, am currently reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I eat a pretty healthy diet which is as organic as it wisely and economically can be, was pescetarian for most of my 20's and have about a 75% (often higher) vegetarian diet currently, don't eat red meat unless my body screams for it which is about 4 times a year or tasting is required by what I'm producing for class or work. And now? Now I'm watching Food Inc. again, because obviously some part of me is telling me it isn't enough. The first time I watched it, I cried, shuddered, dry heaved. I'm certain I once again will have to shut my eyes in some scenes.

I'm disturbed by the term "growing chickens."

I'm horrified by the drugs pumped into the animals we eat.

I'm ashamed by the part of me that will most likely rationalize away what I know so that I can continue to eat poultry and fish.

All I can do at this point is continue making healthy, responsible choices and keep gathering as much knowledge as I can. Small changes really can make a difference when they're made by a number of people. The longer I'm in school, the more I lean towards doing something that involves promoting sustainability, organic foods, grass-fed beef, etc. I don't know anyone who has known me well/for a long time would be surprised by this.

Hindsight Really Is 20/20

My friend Jim just called for one of our daily check ins (he's the only person I talk to nearly every day) and after the "how are you?" "I'm well, how are you?"s, completely out of the blue he asked "Hey, did you ever get your dishes back from Mr.P?" I answered that no, I have not heard anything from him since we broke up, despite trying twice to set up a time for the exchange. Granted, my second message may have been a bit snarky, along the lines of "Guess I'll get my dishes back when you learn courtesy" or something to that effect, but still, it's not that difficult to reply to a text people. Even if it's something like "I hate you right now. I'll get your dishes to you later." Anyhoodle, Jim rather angrily suggested we go over and pound on Mr.P's door until I get my stuff. It's been almost an hour and I'm still giggling over his outrage. It's sweet that he's so upset that someone is being a dick to me. I love him for that even if this behavior from Mr.P is completely expected on my part.

I suppose I could be the bigger person and let Mr.P know I have no hard feelings (other than a smidge of anger over a situation I'll describe later by most likely just c&p'ing a conversation I had with KB about it earlier*), that I realized almost immediately we are both better off not dating, since really all we did was have sex or go to movies. I can't recall too many instances of us having actual conversations about things that matter. Any time I'd try, he would joke things off or give ridiculous "solutions" to whatever it was I just wanted to chat or vent about. He's a fun guy, can be very sweet, but he can also be incredibly selfish and clueless. I'm not saying I was perfect, I will never say I've done nothing wrong, but I really put up with stuff I should not have because it was nice to be with someone.

To my above point that I am not perfect, I have a very dear friend whom I've known over 20 years who is going through an incredibly hard time right now. It's really been weighing heavily on me, as I'm one of the few people he can talk with about what he's feeling and I just feel absolutely worthless in helping him. I just needed someone to listen to me. Instead, all Mr.P could do was ask questions about why my friend wasn't doing more and make observations about how easy it is to fix everything that is going wrong, etc. I've not been as angry at someone in a very very long time as I was with him at that moment. I was one minute from getting out of the car, even though we were stuck in traffic in the middle of Thomas Circle.

*me: So I am not a very good person at times.

Katie: lol, did you text a nasty-gram to Mr. P?

me: Did I tell you that two days before we broke up Mr. P was pretty dickish and insensitive when I was trying to talk about my friend being suicidal-ish?

12:00 PM Like to the point I almost got out of his car while we were stuck in traffic.

Katie: You did not tell me that, no.

But that's horrible.

12:01 PM me: Well, one of the major issues I have with him, always have and most likely always will, is that any time there is something discussed that needs a solution, he comes up with ridiculous ideas. Like I was talking abut how my friend hasn't been able to find a job and Mr.P was saying all kinds of dumb things instead of just being "Wow, I'm really sorry that a close friend you've known for over 20 years is having a really hard time."

12:02 PM Anyhoodle.

Mr.P's last two Facebook statuses have been:

Mr.P: Every single person wants tomorrow to be better than today. If we just help each other get there, just a little tiny bit, the world would be closer to perfect each and every day.November 30 at 11:05pm

Which I just ROLLED MY EYES AT

12:03 PM Katie: As well you should have....

me: And then this one, which made me actually flip off my computer screen.

Mr.P: Life is a dream, on a river, and try as we might we never know where it will take us and when the journey will end, but until that day we should all strive to make the most of it, keep our friends and family out of the rapids, and lend a hand and a paddle whenever we can. (My dedication to my friend S, wherever you are).Fri at 12:55am

12:04 PM I mean, it's sad that someone he was friends with died.

But FUCK YOU.

Katie: So he can be compassionate, but only when it's HIS friend??

me: AGREED

Katie: Wow...

12:05 PM me: It's taking everything in me to not write him an email saying "I'm unfriending you. Not because I hate you or am angry at you or wish you ill. I'm unfriending you because the amazingly high levels of hypocrisy you've shown the last week are making me ill."

So, I unfriended him with no contact. I just can't deal with him preaching good to all and loving support when he couldn't muster a minute of it to me a week before. That said, in all honesty, I haven't thought about him much, or missed him at all since the break up, much like the first time we broke up about 6 months ago. That's what makes me the saddest I think. That after being intimate with someone for a year, off and on, there is little to no change in my day to day life now that he's out of it. Sigh.

I'm sure in a month or so, after I've gotten through my dad's birthday (the 28th - the first since he died) and the first anniversary of his death (January 3rd) I'll sit down and write Mr.P an email telling him what I think, where I'm at, maybe including a link for postage so he can just mail me my stuff even though I'm sure he's been within blocks of my house at least a couple times in the last week or so...but for now, I'll continue giggling about the ridiculousness of the situation and be thankful that neither of us were invested enough to be too hurt by the breakup and that we're both hopefully on to things and people better suited for each of us. Or maybe by January I'll just go buy myself new baking dishes.

2010: The Year of ...?

For the last few years, instead of making resolutions I've picked a theme for the coming year and let it set the tone for how I go about my business. It's worked really well for the past four (see below*) and now that we've entered December, it's time to once again whittle down the possibilities for the year to come. I'm leaning towards 2010: The Year of Sloughing Off Dead Weight, but it is quite a mouthful and such a long title seemingly goes against the motivation behind said title.

Suggestions welcome until December 30, 2009.

*Years Past:

2009 - The Year of Making it Happen

2008 - The Year of Dating Appropriately

2007 - The Year of Good Decisions

2006 - The Year of Bold Moves

Lazy Sunday?

I always feel it's a lazy day if I don't have in person interaction with people. But in the 12 hours I've been awake I've gotten so much done that it's hard for me to define today as lazy. Also, there are so many more hours left in the day since I've been up for so long that I suppose interaction is still a possibility. In fact, I think I'm going to put some clothes on and head out into the bright, cool world for a bit. I've been wanting some potato soup for dinner and need to pick up some chives. I also need to go to Best Buy, but I'm going to put that off until tomorrow when all those people I don't like to be around are at work making the store less crowded.

One of the many things I've done so far today was read this article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/01/AR2009120100847.html

I wish I could say I reacted with surprise that someone was running into issues with DC Government over permits. It'll be interesting to see what happens nation-wide with these "new" business ventures since street food/carts are the new trend right now.

Alright - I'm off to start the outside portion of my day, then come back and work out while my dinner simmers.

Be A Good Boy And Put This On

One more before I start my Sunday. This is going to be a good one, I can tell already. I can remember getting ready to this tape, drying my hair, doing my make-up, singing while picking out my outfit which I'm sure involved tight jeans and a half shirt. Oh 1993, how I do not miss you.

I'm not sure how George Michael made it on to this one - seems I felt the need to put all black artists on one tape...

Side A:

1. Shoop - Salt N Pepa (I pretty much only respect people who can sing this song word for word a capella.)

2. People Everyday - Arrested Development (I loved this album when it came out. Still good listening to it 16 years later. "My day was going great and my soul was at ease.")

3. Give It Up Turn It Loose - En Vogue (Another album I was in love with when it came out that I haven't listened to in years. Harmonies hit it out of the park every time. "Don't be down and miserable. You and only you can bring yourself around.")

4. If - Janet Jackson (This was the start of my dancing every weekend phase. This video is also responsible for me flaunting my abs and wearing chokers. I wonder how many parents knew their kids were singing about oral sex.)

5. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix A Lot (Another litmus test for my respect. "She's just so....black.")

6. 7 - Prince (I've long defended my love of this song - I really think it's all about being a fun song to sing along with...as evidenced by this video of the whitest men on Earth.)

7. Somebody's Gettin on My Nerves - Salt N Pepa ("Show 'em what you got.")

8. It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over - Lenny Kravitz (Horns! Strings! Lenny! "And all my doubts and fears kept me wondering if I'd always be in love." Quite possibly the only man who gets an exception to the No Man Jewelry Rule.)

9. Mr. Wendal - Arrested Development ("Here, have a dollar. In fact no brotherman here have two. Two dollars means a snack for me, but it means a big deal to you.")

Side B:

1. Freedom '90 - George Michael (Great video. Great song. I don't want to know people who don't sing with this. "Today the way I play the game is not the same, no way. Think I'm gonna get myself happy.")

2. Whoomp! There It Is - Tag Team ("I'm taking it back to the old school, cuz I'm an old fool who's so cool." Go ahead and dance, I won't judge. I'm too busy singing "Slam dunk it, stick it, flip it and ride that b-double o-t-y oh my.")

3. Paul on 45 - I have no idea what this is...

4. Whatta Man - Salt N Pepa featuring En Vogue ("My man is smooth like Barry and his voice got bass. A body like Arnold with a Denzel face...He always has heavy conversation for the mind which means a lot to me 'cuz good men are hard to find.")

5. That's The Way Love Goes - Janet Jackson (Hello very young Jennifer Lopez.)

6. Dre Day - Dr. Dre ("You trying to check my homie, you best check yo self.")

7. Always on the Run - Lenny Kravitz (Horns! Lenny! Slash! "My mama said that your life is a gift." When your mama is Roxie Roker, you'd best listen.)

8. Tennessee - Arrested Development ("I know you're supposed to be my steering wheel, not just my spare tire.")

9. Giving Him Something He Can Feel - En Vogue (Since I gave you the En Vogue version in an earlier post, here is the amazing Miss Aretha Franklin's version.)

Off to do something more productive than trolling YouTube.

'Scuze Me While I Kiss This Guy

Oh, this one is going to be embarrassing. It's got to be one of the most random collections of songs ever. I made this, judging by the inclusion of MMC songs, while working at The Disney Store, probably around late 1993.

Like all people in their early 20's, I thought I was the coolest thing ever, that I knew everything, and that one day I would rule the world. There is no other logical explanation for this tape. I will continue to save it, keeping me humble and reminding me of my youthful folly.

Side A:

1. Too Shy - Kajagoogoo (There will never be hair like this again...we can hope. "Tongue tied, I'm short of breath, don't even try." The lyrics are simply ridiculous.)

2. Talk Talk - Talk Talk (Still a great song.)

3. Wherever I May Roam - Metallica (Guess I needed some street cred after the first two songs...I don't think it'll get me through the next song though. Their album with the San Francisco Symphony is genius. "Roamer. Wanderer. Nomad. Vagabond. Call me what you will.")

4. When I Fall In Love - Celine Dion & Clive Davis (Before she got all "I am the greatest" chest beating crazy. Beautiful song, beautiful sentiment. "When I give my heart, it will be completely.")

5. Kids in America - Kim Wilde ("Look boy don't check on your watch, not another glance. I'm not leaving now honey, not a chance." Redeemed myself a bit here...even if there is no such thing as "East California"...)

6. Flava - MMC (This. Is. Amazing. I wonder how embarrassed Keri Russell and JC Chasez are by this. Probably not as much as I am for having owned this cd...)

7. Linger - The Cranberries ("If you, if you could get by trying not to lie. Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used.")

8. (She's) Sexy & 17 - Stray Cats (I've seen Brian Setzer Orchestra 3 or 4 times live, all at the Greek Theater. So. Good. I'm a sucker for a horn section. "They play rock & roll music like it hasn't been rocked in years.")

9. Shiny, Shiny - Haysi Fantayzee ("Good times come to me now." I could call Michelle, sing "shiny shiny" and she would reply "look at my shoes." This song is ridiculous '80s fun.)

10. Lay Your Hands On Me - Thompson Twins (I love the Thompson Twins, always have, always will. So many good memories tied to their songs. "I have chased so many dreams." Sitting under the stars, chatting with Olin about our private island that never came to be.)

11. Hanging on for Dear Life - MMC ("A video jam that's totally sweet" according to JC.)

Side B:

1. Just Got Lucky - JoBoxers ("Your technique it leaves me weak. My heart knows it's the beat I seek." Top 10 favorite one hit wonder. This song always makes me happy.)

2. Real Talk - MMC (A. Maze. Ing. The "slammin video jam" starts around 1:30. In my defense, I'm pretty sure between it being on sale and my cast member discount I probably paid under $2 for this music.)

3. Wanted - The Cranberries (Dolores O'Riordan's voice - pure, haunting, raw emotion. Natural follow up to MMC.)

4. Rest Assured - The Lemonheads (I adore Evan Dando. He's a hot mess, but so good to listen to. His voice is smooth and soft and welcoming. "It's not what you do to me, it's what you do without.")

5. 88 Lines About 44 Women - The Nails ("Pauline thought that love was simple: turn it on and turn it off.")

6. Step to the Rhythm - MMC (Try and find Ryan Gosling, I dare you.)

7. Higher Ground - UB40 ("The more I learn the less I know about before." Proof that stringing a bunch of philosophical sounding lines together does not make you deep.)

8. Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves (Cue dance montage!)

9. Church of the Poison Mind - Culture Club (Probably my favorite CC song.)

10. Dreams - The Cranberries

11. Enter Sandman - Metallica (So. Freaking. Good. "I tuck you in, warm within, keep you free from sin, til the Sandman he comes.")

12. Destination Unknown - Missing Persons ("I know I'll leave when it's my time to go. Til then I'll carry on with what I know." I saw them live with Flock of Seagulls sometime around 1996. They were entertaining, but not as entertaining as hearing FoS talk about their new album...)